I swallow the lump in my throat.
“I can’t use his instincts against him. I can’t trap him in a heat just because I’m here and I’m available. He deserves a choice. A real choice.”
Clara sighs. “You’re trying to protect him. Even now.”
“I love him,” I say simply. “I’ve always loved him. Even when I left. Even when I was trying to hate him.”
I look at the door.
“What happened yesterday?” Clara asks. “With him? In the kitchen? I saw the looks. I saw the beard scratches on your neck.”
I touch my neck. The skin is sensitive.
“It was a mistake,” I say. The lie tastes sour on my tongue.
“A mistake?” Clara raises an eyebrow. “Looks like a pretty passionate mistake.”
“We kissed,” I admit. “We did more than kiss. We almost…”
I stop. I can’t say it.
“But he stopped,” I continue. “He pulled away. He said it was a mistake. And he was right. It was.”
“Was it?”
“Yes,” I snap. “I’m sick. I’m vulnerable. I took advantage of the situation. And he regretted it. I saw it in his eyes.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know him, Clara.” I flop back against the pillows. “He hates me. He loves me. He hates that he loves me. It’s a mess. Throwing a heat into the mix? It would destroy us.”
Clara’s quiet for a moment.
“If you go into heat without an Alpha,” she says slowly, “it will be painful. Worse than usual. You know that.”
“I know.”
“You could get sick. Really sick. Your body could go into shock.”
“I know.”
“And you’re willing to risk that? To protect his feelings?”
“He’s not just an Alpha, Clara. He’s Billy. He’s the man I was supposed to marry. I broke him once. I can’t let biology break him again.”
I turn my head on the pillow. I look at her.
“Please. Don’t tell anyone. Not the brothers. Not Billy. Let Maggie try to get the meds. If she gets them, great. If she doesn’t…”
I pause.
“If she doesn’t, I’ll lock myself in the bathroom. I’ll tie myself to the bed if I have to. But I will handle it on my own.”
Clara bites her lip. She looks conflicted. “You’re asking me to keep a dangerous secret.”
“I’m asking you to be my friend.”
Closing her eyes, she sighs.
