“That I have feelings for you,” he finishes. He says it clearly, without looking at me. “Yeah. That.”
I nod. I don’t know what to say. I’m holding a bucket of water, and the man in front of me is admitting to me that he likes me.
“Seth,” I say.
He finally looks at me.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
He frowns. “Why are you sorry?”
“Because I made you think you had to hide it. And because…” I hesitate. “Because of what happened with Lila.”
His face changes. The embarrassment vanishes, replaced by a guarded look. He flinches like I’ve slapped him.
“Lila,” he repeats.
“I saw you,” I say. I need to get it out. This is the thing that has been sitting between us, unspoken, for years. “That day. AndI intruded on your privacy and stayed. I know it was wrong. It was stupid and wrong, and I shouldn’t have done that.”
He stares at me. His jaw tightens.
“I walked into the barn,” I say. “You were with her. Lila. You were… you were with her.”
“I was fucking her,” Seth says. He doesn’t sugarcoat it. His voice is flat. “That’s what I was doing.”
I nod. “I saw. And I ran away. I should have stayed and apologized.”
He looks down at his hands. He grips the edge of the bucket.
“I always wondered,” he says quietly, “did that make you leave? Seeing me like that? Did I… did I disgust you so much that you ran?”
My heart breaks a little. “What? No.”
“It’s okay if it did,” he says. “I was a mess back then. I was angry. I was trying to prove something. I wasn’t gentle with her. I wasn’t… I wasn’t the good brother.”
“Seth, stop.”
I step closer. I set my bucket down on the ground. I reach out and take his hand.
His hand is warm, callused. He looks at our joined fingers.
“Look at me,” I say.
He looks up.
“I was not lying when I said I ran because I was a coward,” I say. “I was scared. I was scared of the future. I was scared of Billy. I was scared of this town. I was scared of becoming my mother.”
I squeeze his hand.
“Seeing you with Lila… it didn’t make me leave,” I say. “It was a shock, sure. But it wasn’t about you. It was never about you.”
“Then why does it feel like I’ve been carrying that guilt for five years?” he asks.
“Because you’re Seth,” I say. “You take everything on yourself. You think you’re responsible for everyone’s happiness. But you didn’t drive me away. I drove myself away.”
He searches my face. He looks for a lie. He doesn’t find one.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m sorry I made you feel like you were the reason.”
