“I’m here now,” I say, kissing her forehead. “I’m never leaving you. I promise.”
It takes a long time for her breathing to slow down. I stare at the ceiling, the weight of her small body pressing against me.
The responsibility of it is crushing. I’m her entire world. If I fail, she falls. And there’s no one else to catch her.
I don’t sleep. I hold her until the sun starts to bleed through the curtains, painting the room in gray. I listen to her breathe, counting every inhale as a victory.
By the time morning arrives, I feel like a ghost. My eyes are grainy, my head pounds, and my soul feels like it’s been wrung out.
I extract myself from Maisie’s grip—she’s deeply asleep now—and pull on a robe. I shuffle to the kitchen, needing caffeine before I attempt to function.
Jude is already there. He’s leaning against the counter, a mug in hand, looking out the window. He turns when he hears me.
His eyes narrow as he takes in my appearance. “You didn’t go back to sleep.”
“No.”
He pours a mug of coffee and slides it across the island to me. “Sit.”
I sink onto a stool. The coffee is bitter and hot, jarring my senses.
“You look terrible, Amber,” he says gently. “And I don’t just mean the bags under your eyes. You look… exhausted.”
I wrap my hands around the mug, letting the warmth seep into my bones. “I had a rough night.”
“I gathered.” He moves closer, leaning on the counter so we’re eye level. “Is it work? Or is it... him? Did something happen with Eli? I know you want me to stay out of it, but I will go down to their house right this second if something happened. No one’s allowed to hurt you.”
“It’s not him.”
I see the anger sort of deflate from him. “Is this about Luke?”
My breath hitches. Luke’s name is always a shadow in this house.
“Both. Neither.” I stare into the dark liquid. “I just... I had a dream. And then a memory. And then Maisie... Shit, Jude, she was so scared.”
“Nightmares happen. She’s a kid.”
“It wasn’t just the dream.” I look up at him, and the tears finally spill over. I can’t stop them. “It was me. I’m the one who’s scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of failing her.” The words come out in a rush. “I think about Luke, and the way we lived, and I wonder... how did I let that happen? How did I let a man treat me like that? I was so weak. And I failed her for so long. I let her see things she never should have seen. I let her go hungry so I could... so I could...”
I choke on a sob, covering my mouth with my hand.
Jude’s face softens into something devastating. He reaches out and takes my hand, gripping it tight.
“You didn’t fail her,” he says, his voice fierce. “You got her out.”
“Barely! I dragged her out of there with nothing but a suitcase and a prayer. I was a mess. I’ve been a mess.” I shake my head, the self-loathing rising like bile. “I look at you and Ryker and Dorian, and I see how you take care of Norah. How you protect her. I look at what she has here, and I wonder... will Maisie ever have that forever? Can I ever give her that? Or am I too broken? Will I just drag her down with me? Will I always be a burden to you guys, because I need your help taking care of my daughter?”
“Amber, stop.” Jude squeezes my hand until it hurts. “Look at me.”
I meet his gaze. His eyes are swimming with tears.
“You saved her,” he says. “You saved yourself. That isn’t weak. That’s the strongest thing I have ever seen. And taking care of her... of you... that was never a burden.”
“It feels like one,” I whisper.
