"I didn't know your wine preference, but I do know that during a breakup, it really doesn't matter, so we can drink both if needed."
Bette let out a sad laugh. "I swear I could just drink it like a big water bottle."
"Hey, I'm not judging," Missy said as she set the bags on the island. With her arms now free, she immediately pulled Bette into a big hug, squeezing her tightly.
Missy might as well have opened the door to her emotions, because the next thing that Bette knew, she was a crying, blubbering mess. Her heart was pounding in her ears, but she could barely hear that over the strangled cries. All of the emotions that she had walled up during the day tumbled out.
At that moment, she realized she had fallen in love with the gentle giant upstairs. She wasn't crying for some random woman she had dated for a little while. She was crying for a woman she was in love with, and that made her heart break even more. She loved Kerrie and wanted to be with her. Kerrie was just a floor above, but Bette felt like she was a million miles away.
Kerrie had shown Bette a whole new world. A world more simplistic and kind than the world she shared with Shelly. Kerrie supported her as she explored who she really was. There was no pressure to conform to some impossible image. Kerrie genuinely cared for Bette as just Bette. No expectations. No rules. Just that Bette was happy. It was as if, with Kerrie, Bette smelled fresh air for the first time. Tasted a ripe apple directly off the limb. Saw a setting sun with all the brilliant rays of pinks and golds after being in the gloominess that was her past life. And now it was gone. Lost. She felt like she was suffocating.
After several minutes, she was able to control herself. She apologized profusely for her tears, which, if the wet spot on Missy's shirt was anything to go on, looked like half of them had landed on Missy's shoulder.
"I just can't believe she ended it. All I was trying to do was help."
Missy nodded. "How about we get food opened up and sit down and have a good discussion about it?"
"And the wine. Don't forget the wine."
She had every intention of just having wine. She didn't feel like eating, but her stomach growled as she smelled the food wafting up from the containers and remembered that she hadn't eaten since breakfast. She couldn't even think about food at lunchtime and had given her tray to Wilson. She had quickly learned he never turned down food.
The food containers held an assortment of noodles, rice, and different meats. She selected beef and broccoli and scooped some fried rice onto her plate, adding two crab rangoons along with it.
She grabbed two wine glasses and poured them both a generous glass of red. She briefly wondered what kind of wine was supposed to go with Chinese food. She didn't care really as long as it gave her a buzz. The thought of alcohol made her think back to Kerrie. And that only served to make her sad again.
Bette had purchased a small, four-seater kitchen table for her small dining area. She briefly gave herself a moment to be proud that she was sitting at a functional kitchen table again. That feeling didn't last long, though.
They ate for a few minutes before speaking. At first, Bette wanted to talk immediately, but then the smell of the food brought her back to the basic need of filling her belly. The savory bites of beef seem to give her renewed life. And the wine made her cheeks warm, but in a pleasant way.
"I just don't get it. I was just trying to help."
Missy nodded emphatically. "Of course you were. There's nothing wrong with wanting to make sure your partner is okay. Explain what happened. Start to finish."
And so that's what Bette did. She started with Kenny coming down the stairs and how frightened he was. And how helpless she felt staring down at an unconscious Kerrie lying on the bathroom floor. Then going to the hospital and sitting there all night long next to her, hoping that she would be okay. And taking care of Kenny and making sure that the house was fine and all of the little things she did because of Kerrie. From what the doctor said to how Kerrie had been when she got home. What she looked like now. Those hollow eyes and the pale skin were showing little veins underneath that hadn't shown before. She sat with Kerrie for six hours on Saturday evening, and she still did not pee regularly. No matter how much Gatorade or water she shoved down the brunette, it didn't seem to be coming out at the rate it should have. Bette explained how Kerrie was a little agitated, but she understood because who wouldn't be in her shoes? It just never occurred to her that Kerrie would break up with her for wanting to care for her.
By the time she finished, she realized how much she had needed to get it off her chest. She had been in pure work mode for the past four days. And now, it felt like she could breathe a little bit, even if her eyes were still swollen and tired from crying, and she still didn't have a girlfriend.
Missy took a deep drink of her wine and pointed the glass at her. "I think you needed that. I think you needed to get all of that out. I can see the relief on your face."
Bette bit her lip and nodded. "I think you're right. I did. It feels good to get it out."
"Has she ever had problems with giving up control before? Like, has she ever acted like she doesn't need help?"
Bette laughed, swirling the liquid in her glass. "Oh yeah, she couldn't stand that I got hired to begin with, because she had been doing everything under the sun there. We had actually come to blows a few times because of how agitated she would get just having me in the building. But then she finally realized that I was going to be there, and she would have to suck it up. Once she allowed me to start doing my job, I think she really was secretly happy that somebody had taken a little of the workload off her shoulders. I mean, she was doing the work of two, sometimes three people. Not to mention going to extra meetings when other people wouldn't volunteer to do it. Or helping other counselors when other counselors could be helping them. It's like they have all become accustomed to Kerrie doing everything and don't bother stepping in anymore. I talked to Tyler about it today. If she comes back to a mess, it's going to be even worse."
"No, even worse is going back and realizing she's replaceable."
Frowning, Bette tilted her head. "What do you mean?"
Missy shrugged. "What I mean is she's going to come back and realize the place didn't fall down without her. The whole thing didn't completely crash and burn. The world continued going. It sounds like Kerrie is afraid to give up control because that's where she gets a sense of self-worth from."
Bette's face further scrunched up. "So what you're saying is she's afraid of just being herself? And not like a caregiver?"
Missy began ticking off on her fingers as she listed off. "She takes care of her brother. She takes care of clients. She takes care of the building she's working in. Everything she does is for someone else. That is who she is. She is a caregiver, and when you remove the caregiver part, who is she?"
"She's the most kind and selfless human being I've ever met. She's funny and smart and doesn't make me feel bad for being me. She likes to put salsa on her eggs. She'll sit in frontof a campfire even if it's 90° outside, sweating to death because she enjoys it. She likes to putter around town with her brother in that little truck of theirs. She likes sweet tea, and judging by the overstuffed bookshelf in her room, she was a reader at one point, though I've never seen her read anything. Kenny says they used to go to the park together. Now that I think of it, maybe she doesn't know how to be anything other than a caregiver. Maybe she's gotten so deep that she's lost herself."
"Not to mention, well, can I be brutally honest with you?"
