She shook her head, a bit of jealousy tugging at her belly. "No, I have some things I need to finish."
It didn't take long for everyone to vacate the building, leaving behind an impossibly heavy silence. The tapping of her keyboard sounded like a hammer to a nail. The screen before her blurred as her concentration waned.
Cheers invaded her office from outside. She wanted to resist the urge to look, but the pull was great. "One peek won't hurt."
Standing, she looked out the high window behind her desk. Outside, two clients were carrying a large cooler with a box on top, no doubt snacks and drinks from Elaine. She muttered to herself, "Bette must have buttered her up for those."
"You know you can go join them, right? I'll do your notes."
Kerrie turned, surprised to find Wilson sitting in the chair in front of her desk.When did he come in?"I have things to do."
"Like hiding in your office with your hurt feelings that are just coming out as anger?"
Kerrie threw her head back, looking at the ceiling, letting out a breath. "What is it with people calling me out today?"
She plopped down in her desk chair and tried to ignore the infectious laughter from outside. She wanted to look out the window again.
"You know you want to go out there."
I do."I don't."
"You do."
Frustrated, she bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from making a snarky response. Her bite didn't bother Wilson at all. "What do you want, Wilson?"
"It's not what I want. It's what you want. How many more weeks of this are we going to endure before you realize you've run from normalcy?"
"Normalcy?"
"I've watched you dig deeper and deeper into codependency. Kenny's heart attack scared you. You have no control over what happens inside his body, so you control everything around you. You had to take a week off, and that terrified you. Giving your heart over to Bette terrified you." He held his hand up to stop her from speaking. "I'm old, Kerrie, not an idiot. I know about the two of you. You feel replaceable. Out of control. Big, bad, unshakable Kerrie is terrified, and you're masking it with anger and avoidance."
Silence fell over them as Kerrie swallowed down a large lump of pride. She was struggling between frustration and disbelief. Everyone around her seemed to be saying the same thing, but Kerrie was still refusing to accept that perhaps she was at least part of the problem.
Sighing, Wilson hefted himself out of the chair, looking down at her. "Just go out there. Let go a little. What's the worst that could happen?"
He shut the door behind himself, leaving her alone with faint hoots and hollers wafting in from outside.
His words hung in the air. What's the worst that could happen?
She stood, looking out the window once more. They had divided into teams. The yard beside Sparrow was the flattest, as the other side of the creek closest to The Church was mostly uphill. They were using file folders for bases, and Kerrie wondered where the kickball had come from. It was still bright and unblemished. Had Bette bought that herself, or did she sweet-talk Meg from the front office into purchasing it for her?
Kerrie smirked at the mental image of a determined Bette arranging this kickball match. The woman wouldn't have taken no for an answer. She was clearly growing to love the clients. It was something most couldn't help after a while. A love that ebbed and flowed for complete strangers that you only knew for a month. It was hard to explain how one could feel such an emotion during a short period. Men came to them in such a raw form, and they helped uplift and put them back together. The hardest part was when they left. The uncertainty could be overwhelming. Kerrie couldn't count the number of clients that had overdosed once leaving. Not always right out of rehab but over the weeks, months, and years. You had to focus on the here and now. You could keep them safe within the walls of The Church and Sparrow. Bette was quickly succumbing to that part of the job.
She zeroed in on Bette, standing in the outfield. She looked enthusiastic but also a little clueless. Her chest tightened as sadness overcame her. She missed Bette. Not just a little. Not just like she would miss Mabel if she were to go away. It was deeper. It tugged at her soul and shook her heart. She was never very far from Kerrie's thoughts. Like wearing cologne when it is windy. The scent playing hide and seek with your nose as Mother Nature blew it back and forth. Turn your head; it hits you. Turn in another direction; it's drifting by.
Kerrie sat back down.
"She made a fool of me," she muttered to herself, staring at the computer screen without seeing it.
She stood again, glancing out. Luke was up to kick. He pulled his leg back before slamming his foot into the red ball, sending it right to Bette. The blonde shrieked, covering her head, and Kerrie belted out a laugh as two guys ran to catch it, colliding just behind her. Kerrie shook her head, but the smile on her face was already fading. The sadness quickly returned.
Turning her back once more. Her eyes drifted around the room. Why was she in her office when she could be outside?
"Because I'm a big terrified baby, like Wilson said."
She began pacing from the window to the door, hands on her head, as she ticked off the pros and cons. "Pro: I get to enjoy group and be an active member of this building. Con: I have to swallow my pride. Pro, pro..."
She stopped in front of the window once more, seeing the teams had switched positions. A young client named Jamie was showing Bette how to kick while they waited for their turn. She watched intently, mimicking his moves, and then laughed at herself. It was the most adorable thing Kerrie had ever seen. Bette, who once lived in a small mansion, bought handbags that cost a small fortune and drank expensive champagne, was getting out of her comfort zone playing a sport she knew nothing about with men who most wouldn't leave their car keys alone with. And Kerrie was sulking in her office.
