When their ice cream was finished, Kerrie took Kenny to the bathroom to help him clean his face and brush his teeth since bedtime was approaching.
Not knowing what to do with herself, Bette began wiping down the kitchen table and putting the dishes in the dish drainer away. Minutes ticked by. Several of them. The longer she waited, the faster her heart raced. Had she chosen wrong? Should she have waited to talk to Kerrie another day?
She let out a long breath and smoothed her hands over her hair. It was half up and half down with a little topknot on top. As she was about to give in to the feeling of bolting out the back door, she heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
Kerrie came into view. She held up the baby monitor. "We're alone."
The carefully constructed wall that Bette had been relying on to protect her blew apart. A sob tore through her throat, raw and unrestrained, before she croaked out, "I'm so sorry."
***
Kerrie's neutral face crumbled, her heart shattering into pieces at the sight of a distraught Bette. She quickly ditched the monitor on the table as she took a few wide steps with her long legs just in time to catch Bette as she crumbled. Her arms hooked around the blonde, who was choking on sobs so violently that Kerrie could feel them vibrate through her own body. She had never seen Bette in such a state. The whines and cries of her lover tugged hard on her heartstrings, and before she knew it, she too was crying. Leaning down, she buried her face in Bette's neck, where she would normally smell soft scents of her perfume and shampoo, but her nose was becoming stuffy, and the comforting smells didn't come through.
Kerrie's prior tension and hardness began to melt as she cried right along with her lover. It was as if the heat from Bette's body was softening her with every second. She hadn't realized just how much she was holding in until it came rushing out of her.
The shoulder of Bette's shirt was soaked with her tears, and she could feel a similar wetness on her own chest from Bette's. The amount of tears that fell from their eyes wasastonishing, and when they finally stopped, Kerrie knew that hers would be swollen in the morning.
Kerrie stared down into Bette's wet, blue eyes and briefly thought she would drown in them. They conveyed so much that it was overwhelming. Hurt, hope, uncertainty, need. She swallowed thickly, reaching for Bette's hand. "How about we go sit in the living room and talk?"
Sniffling, Bette nodded. "I'm going to grab some tissue from the bathroom, then I'll be in there."
"Grab me some too? I'm a mess," Kerrie admitted, with a wet chuckle.
Bette smiled at her, nodding.
Kerrie decided to sit on the couch, not wanting to put too much space between them by sitting in her lazy chair. She wanted to be able to reach Bette.
Bette came back with a wad of tissues and gave Kerrie her share. She tried and failed to blow her nose in a dignified manner, instead sounding like a stuffy donkey. The honking noise sent Bette into a fit of laughter, which Kerrie followed. It was nice to laugh together again. Seeing Bette's beautiful smile and the little crinkles at the sides of her eyes warmed Kerrie's heart.
Laughter subsiding, Bette reached for her hand, clasping it between both of hers. Kerrie couldn't help but notice the robin's egg blue manicured nails. Bette squeezed her hand, prompting Kerrie's eyes to meet hers. "I want to apologize—" She stopped and held up her other hand when Kerrie began to speak. "Let me do this. I've been thinking about this for the last two weeks. I need to do this."
Kerrie nodded, swallowing back the words threatening to tumble out.
Taking a deep breath, Bette let it out and then spoke again with more confidence. "I messed up. I did something I shouldn't have. I overstepped and broke your trust. And I know trust is hard for you to give. You trusted me with Kenny. You trusted me to be a good tenant. You finally trusted me to help at work. You entered into a relationship with me trusting that we would be there for each other, and even though that was what I thought I was doing, I didn't do it appropriately. At the end of the day, you get the last say over your body and mind. I had no right to go behind your back to Tyler. It's not an excuse, but I just, my god, Kerrie. I was so terrified I'd lose you, and then I did, and I realized—I realized I love you, and I don't want a world where you're not in it. I want to earn back your trust."
The breath was knocked right out of Kerrie's lungs. She hadn't expected all that. The honesty, the apology. The I love you. She felt tears spring up again, and she felt a little embarrassed that she couldn't seem to keep them under control tonight. But then a thought occurred to her. Why did she need to control them? What was wrong with showing Bette her emotions? It was just another case of her trying to control something.
She scooted a little closer to Bette, her other hand reaching up to caress her red-tinged face. She smoothed her thumb over her cheek a few times before dropping her hand. She didn't miss the small look of disappointment on Bette's face at the loss of contact, but she needed to focus, and touching her more than handholding would only distract her. She cleared her throat, knowing her voice wouldn't be as steady as she would like. "Thank you. I needed to hear you say you were sorry and actually hear it. Before, I was so mad I wasn't listening. I was blocking you and everyone else out. It was my coping mechanism and not a healthy one. And you're right, you did break my trust, but I broke yours too."
Bette frowned. "You did?"
Nodding, Kerrie squeezed Bette's hand again. "We entered this relationship together. We both should have talked it through. I should have taken a little time to cool off, and then we should have worked together. Instead, I blew up."
Bette's eyes searched Kerrie's face, looking for something, but Kerrie didn't know what. Finally, she spoke. "Why did you get so mad?"
That was the million-dollar question. A question she'd been asked by others and herself her whole life. Why did she always turn to anger when other emotions were optional?
She thought back to waking up, groggy and disoriented in the hospital with strangers around her and no idea where Kenny was. It had been terrifying. The loss of control, the unknown. It was all so overwhelming. She had felt like she was sinking in a lake with her hands tied behind her back. She could do nothing but kick her legs, but there was no use; her head was fast approaching going under.
It was the same when Tyler told her to go home. Work was who she was. She lived and breathed the Church for so long. When life got out of hand, out of her control, she always had work to fall back on. When Tyler took that away, she didn't know what to do. She didn't like that feeling. She didn't like having others dictate her life. If you took control from Kerrie Matthews, then what was she supposed to do?
That was terrifying. If she had stopped to push back the anger, she could have examined the helpless feeling and had an honest conversation with her girlfriend instead of smashing their relationship to pieces over being uncomfortable with her feelings. She realized shecould have saved them both a lot of heartache had she been open with Bette and trusted that she could be the sounding board for her fears. Trusted that Bette, while wrong in going behind her back, only wanted to help her. They were supposed to be a team, but they couldn't be a team if Kerrie didn't want to play equally.
She let out a long sigh, pulling her hand away from Bette to scrub her face. She could feel tension crawling down her neck and gripping her shoulders tightly. An uneasiness settled in her belly, and the urge to run overcame her. She wanted to tell Bette to leave, but did she really? Was this another moment of running from her feelings? She wanted Bette in her life. She wanted to wake up to her, watch her interact with Kenny, and let her take up space in her heart. A heart that was normally protected by a thick layer of steel. No, Kerrie didn't want to run really.
She licked her lips and searched for the words. "I'm not good with, uh, expressing my emotions. I guess anger is my comfort emotion. I've always used it as a shield. I don't think I've ever given someone a chance long enough to want to be more open. I'd like to figure out how to do that with you, though. I just, I hate feeling like I don't have control. Work is who I am."
Bette smiled and scooted closer, their knees touching. She placed her hand on Kerrie's knee, and the taller woman found comfort in the warmth seeping through her cotton sleep pants. "Babe, you are so much more than the Church. Your worth isn't measured in how many people you turn out of that rehab. You're a good person. You share your past experiences and knowledge with those men, but at the end of the day, you're not Kerrie the counselor. You're Kerrie Matthews. And Kerrie Matthews is so much more than you think. You have a warm heart, a way of putting people at ease, a fantastic sister, a friend, and when you let it happen, a great lover."
