“You sure you don’t want to take some home? I still remember when you were about five, and I woke up in the middle of the night hearing from you. I found you on the floor with a big bowl of cream corn, and you were just going to town on it. It was all over you, in your hair, and on the floor, but my little dark-haired baby was so happy, smiling up at me.”
A smile tugged at her lips as she dried a pan. Visits were like a yo-yo. The gaslighting and dismissiveness, then sweet, kind comments. It was exhausting. “That’s really sweet.”
She was putting the last of the dishes away when Grammy started waving her arm. “You can come in. It’s fine.”
She smelled him before she saw him. There was no mistaking it. The pungent stench of weed took over the space as Clay walked into the kitchen.
“Hey, Matty,” he greeted her before giving Grammy a hug.
Grammy waved a hand in front of her. “You stink. You need to stop smoking that crap in closed spaces.”
Matty’s eye twitched as her jaw tightened. She was even acknowledging it, but was still not caring about Matty and her feelings. “Grams, you promised it would just be us.”
“I told you I shouldn’t have dropped by.”
“You knew?” She shot him a questioning glare.
“Stop, Matty. He’s just here to get something. He’s not staying,” she chastised, causing Matty to blanch. How was she the issue?
Grammy reached towards the end of the table where her purse lay. She plucked her wallet out. “Clay, we were talking about the Fourth of July. Doesn’t a cookout sound fun?”
“It does. We could hang out, Matty. Shoot off some fireworks.”
She was hardly hearing the words. She watched Grammy pull out two twenties, then hold them out to Clay. Not only was Grammy dismissing Matty’s feelings left and right, but she was still coddling Clay. Not Matty, of course. Always Clay.
Anger flared in her chest, spreading out through her veins. “You know damn well I don’t want to hang out with you,” she spat, then turned her attention to Grammy. “And why are you giving him money? You can’t afford to fund his habit.”
“Hey, don’t talk to her like that, man, she’s just spotting me.”
“We both know you’ll never pay her back. You just leech off her, not giving a shit about her. This is what you do.” Her pulse began to race.
Clay jumped forward, getting in her face. The smell was even stronger. “You don’t know. You don’t even fucking know me anymore.”
She stepped up to him, their noses just an inch apart. She could smell his breath. It made her belly roll, but she didn’t stand down. She met his red-rimmed eyes. “I know you. I know everything about you, Clay. You’re not fucking mysterious or unique. I know you because I’ve been you.”
Without waiting for his reply, she sidestepped him and made for the door.
“Matty, Matty, get back here!” Grammy hollered. “It’s pouring rain.”
“I’d rather be in the rain than in this house where everyone else seems to matter more than I do.”
She let the door slam behind her.
The rain was steadily coming down. She popped her hood up and then shoved her hands in her pockets. She was barely at the road’s edge when she began to sob, hot tears trailing down her face, mingling with cold raindrops. The contrast burned her skin.
This didn’t have to happen. None of it had to happen. All Grammy had to do was keep her promise and respect Matty’s wishes. It wasn’t that hard. Just a few hours alone together. That’s all. It could have even been other family members. Some other cousin, but no, it was always Clay. Always the one person she had the most history with when she was using. There was too much between them. She’d tried being his friend before when she got briefly clean, and he was her downfall. Too much of a temptation. They had been enabling each other since they were kids. Breaking away from him had hurt. It was like a punch to the heart, but it had to happen.
She wiped harshly at her face as she switched from tears and back to anger. It didn’t have to be like this. She had done the work. She had gotten her life together, and still, it wasn’t enough.
A car drove by, splashing her legs. She cursed, raising her fist in the air. “Fuck you!”
Her anger should have startled her. Anger wasn’t her usual go-to emotion, but how much could she take before she needed to let off steam?
Cold water was now seeping into her hoodie and through her jeans. Her feet were dry for the moment, but by the time she walked across town in this mess, she would be drenched. She didn’t bother trying to call Kerrie. She had yet to text that she was on her way.
As she crossed the street, she spotted a Coke can by the sidewalk. She slammed her boot into it, sending it flying. She was going in for another kick when a car passed going in the opposite direction. She wasn’t paying attention when it made a U-turn to pull beside her.
“Matty?”
