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Walking forward, I steady myself and kneel, knowing my legs will give out at any moment. The memories of the funeral are still hard to think about. Bending down, I support myself and wrap a hand around my belly, then run my fingers across the photograph his parents had forever encased.
“I’m so sorry,” I croak out, the sobs quickly taking over. Betrayal nearly chokes me while the guilt strangles me. Memories of Brandon and I together come in quick flashes, but then they’re followed by Hunter and me in Utah.
“I’m so confused, but I do know one thing for certain and that’s how much I miss you,” I say aloud. Staring at his picture, I wish he could hear me and comfort me the way he used to always do when I was upset.
“I’ll never stop loving you, Brandon. No matter what. You’ll always be the man who has a piece of my heart. Always. And you left me with the best gift I could ever ask for. We’re having a baby, which was hard to come to terms with, but now I couldn’t be more excited. He or she is going to know all about you, about us, about their kind-hearted, selfless daddy who loved me until his dying day.” I swallow, wiping my face. The light breeze brushes across my skin, causing goose bumps to form. It’s almost as if he heard me, and he’s happy about the pregnancy. “I’m trying to learn to be myself again, to be happy, because I know that’s what you’d ultimately want. I’m going to make it through this pain, aren’t I?”
I sit on the ground, cross my legs, and listen to the wind travel through the trees as I pour it all out into the open, needing him to know it all. “I’ve asked myself why I wasn’t on the back of that bike with you. If you wouldn’t have dropped me off at Sophie’s and if any of this would’ve happened. The survivor’s guilt consumes me, but I like to think it’s because I was pregnant. That our little angel was the reason I’m still here.” I place my hand on my belly, allowing it to rest there, wanting to protect her from it all. It’s the first time I’ve allowed myself to even admit that. I give myself permission to process my admissions as I close my eyes and try to take in slow, deep breaths as my thoughts travel across the world.
I let out a stifled chuckle. “Hunter and I are getting along like you always wanted. The irony, right? I’m scared of the feelings starting to form. It feels way too soon, and I wonder if my heart is just confused because it’s trying to replace the ones I had. I don’t ever want to forget you, and I can’t even begin to think about being with someone else, but you’ll be glad to know Hunter has been here for me and the baby. He’s as protective as I know you’d be. Our friendship developed through dealing with the heartache of losing you, and it confuses me. I worry these mixed feelings are because I’m so damn lonely and haven’t had enough time to fully process you being gone. They say you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself, but what if you’re still in love with someone who is no longer here? Will I ever be able to love again after losing you? It feels wrong to.”
My heart beats in my ears. He’s always known all my secrets, and now he knows these too. “I know I need more time to heal. I’m so fucking broken and lost, but I know the baby needs me to be strong, and I want to be for him or her. They’re gonna need me more than ever since I’ll be alone.” The reality of those words hit me like a ton of bricks. Just as I wipe the tears from my cheeks, I look up and see a songbird land on the black stone. It looks at me, and a small smile hits my lips as if Brandon sent a sign, letting me know he still hears me and everything will work out.
“I will always love you, Brandon.” My breath hitches. “God, I miss you more than you could ever know.” The tears hit my cheeks, and the bird flies away. I watch it disappear into a nearby tree and sigh. By the time I stand, my head has cleared slightly, and I know what I have to do going forward. I have to give myself time.
After letting my emotions out at the cemetery, I come home, unpack, and do two loads of laundry. Then I grab Hunter’s dirty clothes and do his too. While waiting for the washer to finish, I clean the kitchen, scrub the floors, clean out the fridge, straighten up and vacuum the living room and hallway. We weren’t gone that long, but I need something to keep my mind busy because we’re supposed to talk about the Jenna situation tonight.
