Suddenly aware that she was lying there totally naked and exposed was horrible. Kate sat up, pulling her knees up so that she could wrap her arms around them. Connor seemed to simply melt out of the way, but Kate wasn’t watching anyway. She buried her face against her bare knees.
‘I thought I could do this,’ she said. ‘I thought it would work. I’m sorry, Connor.’
‘I don’t understand.’ His hand touched her back and Kate couldn’t help herself. She flinched.
The hand was withdrawn instantly and she heard Connor take in a slow breath. And then another one.
‘That boyfriend of yours,’ he said. ‘He didn’t just hit you, did he?’
Kate felt her breath escape in a kind of sob. ‘No.’
‘He raped you.’ Connor’s voice was as harsh as the word. ‘My God, Kate. How old were you?’
‘Fifteen. I… I wouldn’t have sex with him. I was too scared. And when he hit me I was even more frightened and I tried to run away and… and…’
And Kate wanted to cry but the tears that might have been a relief were locked away along with all the wonderful feelings that Connor’s touch had been able to give her.
Connor groaned. A desperately sad sound that only made Kate want to cry even more. ‘It was too soon, that’s all. You weren’t ready for this.’
Kate shook her head. ‘It won’t work.’
‘Don’t say that.’
Kate felt the bed move as Connor stood up. She watched him through the tangle of her lashes as he stood beside the bed for a long moment and then he surprised her by turning and dropping to his knees.
‘Kate, I don’t know what’s going on between us but it feels important. Important enough to be bigger than sex. We’ll sort this out. You wanted me to make love to you, didn’t you?’
‘Yes.’
‘And it was good until…’
Until he’d touched her so intimately? Kate nodded.
‘So it can be good again.’
‘You don’t understand.’ Kate’s voice was weary. ‘The only way I’ve ever been able to have sex with anyone was to distance myself. Kind of like the way you do when you have to do an autopsy or something. I didn’t want to feel like that with you because…’
‘Because what, Katie?’ Connor’s voice was gentle.
‘Because I… care about you.’ This was bad enough, without revealing just how much she cared about him. That was a grief that would have to stay very private. ‘I thought it could be… I don’t know…real.’
Connor’s face looked grim now. He didn’t know what to say. Or maybe he simply wanted to escape. Kate had to look away. Still, Connor didn’t move. Did he need more of a reason? She could give him one.
‘It’s not just the sex that got screwed up for me,’ she said quietly. ‘There was a… a baby.’
She heard the sharp intake of his shocked breath.
‘Oh, my God,’ Connor breathed. ‘Did it…? Did you…?’
‘I lost it.’ Kate clamped her lips together hard. That was all she was prepared to say. All she could say right now, without tearing the rest of her heart out, and if she did that, how could she survive?
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, yet again. She made her tone final this time. She rolled away to the other side of the bed. ‘I’m going to the bathroom,’ she told him. ‘Maybe you should get dressed and go. You don’t have to stay. I know how awkward this is… for both of us.’
‘You don’t want me to stay?’ The query was almost expressionless. More of a statement than a question.
‘Best you don’t.’
Kate tried to swallow the lump in her throat but it wouldn’t go away. This failure on her part was so huge it was mortifying. Talking about it any more wouldn’t help. Being naked with him was unbearable now, even though she was standing with her back to Connor and knew that her hair was enough of a shield. She had tried. And failed. There was no going back from that. And there was no going forward either.
