“You’re going to figure this out. I know it’s a lot, but literally no one is as smart as you or as resourceful, and it doesn’t need to be mentioned, but I’m going to anyway—no onehas as great of an ass as you do.”
A snort of involuntary laughter bubbles out. Smiling, I wipe my tears and lean my head against Jade’s side, giving her ass a playful tap.
“So do you, Jade.”
“This is really what connects us as friends, our rockin’ bods.” Jade plants a loud, dramatic kiss on the top of my head and goes to the kitchen, where she finds an empty jar for the sage bundle. She rejoins me at the table, taking the seat next to me. “This is a lot, Jessie. Your plate is overflowing, and all this”—she taps a finger on the scholarship list—“is going to take a lot of energy and time that…I don’t know if you have. I know it’s a privileged thing for me to say this, so feel free to tell me to fuck off, but why not just take out a loan?”
“I don’t know. My parents have always seemed really opposed to it. They have a lot of medical debt and it’s a big burden for them. I don’t really want that. I don’t want the debt hanging over me in grad school and later.”
“But if it’s between a year of partial tuition coverage in loans or—”
“Or leaving college, yeah…”
When I was in middle school, Miss Julie would sometimes ask me in the middle of a conversation, “Where do you feel that hurt?” or “Where is that sadness in your body?” I still try it sometimes, to find exactly where my emotion lives in my body. But I’m searching now, and nothing. I feel heavy all over and numb.
“No rich relatives leave you money?” Jade asks, leaning back in her chair.
“That only happens in movies and books, I think.” I rake my fork through my rice. Jade is probably right, and a loan is an option I might need to be more flexible about. But I’m tired and I don’t want to talk about this anymore. The numbness won’t last; eventually it’ll turn into anxiety. And I don’t have time for anxiety.
“Anyway, your turn now,” I say. “Tell me all about your raunchy adventures.”
“Can I put on my face while we do this?” Jade bounces out of the chair, her face lit up in a way it only does when she’s talking about theater or makeup.
I follow her to her bedroom, food in hand. We lucked out getting one of the two-room dorm suites instead of a four-room unit in which we’d have to split the common areas with two other people. Most juniors are in off-campus apartments, so we got first pick, but it’s still not ideal. I know Jade would rather be in an apartment, but she says she likes the intimacy of dorms. Really, she’s just here because she’s loyal as hell. She knows I can’t afford to live off-campus, and I would never let her pay for both of us.
“Are you going somewhere?”
“WE are going to the ATZ party round two to see if we can find Sexy Shakespeare.”
“We’re doing what now?” I ask.
“Oh, stop. I know it’s killing you that he hasn’t texted. We’re going to go back and see if he’s there. He’s probably a pledge or a brother and most likely there tonight.”
It’s been exactly a week since that off-the-charts make-out session with Sexy Shakespeare, and I haven’t heard one peep from him. With the week I’ve had, I’ve basically written him off, but leave it to Jade to convince me I should spend a Friday evening searching for this guy.
“How are we going to find him? It’s not like he’s going to be in costume.”
“He might be,” Jade says. I give her a flat look.
“We’ll look for a guy his height with the same hair. And when we find them, we’ll ask him if he likes to moonlight as Elizabethan playwrights.”
“Easy peasy,” I say.
I shouldn’t go. My pile of homework and projects and things to study for—not to mention the scholarship list—is daunting. I need the full evening to concentrate. I assumed Jade would go out and I’d have the place to myself to put my nose to the grindstone. I push my food around on its tray.
But.
Even now, thinking back to the masked stranger, his hands all over me, his soft lips, the way he kissed me…it sends a signal to my lower belly and then through all of me like a firework—light the fuse and watch it travel down, down, down, untilPOP,PPPFFFF, explosion of color and light. All of that inside me warring against the “shoulds.”
The firework wins.
“Okay, fine. Fifteen minutes, and then I’m coming back.”
Jade squeals, clapping her hands, and settles into the seat in front of her vanity. She slides a headband on her head to pull back her hair, turns on the mirror lights, then starts to open up various eyeshadows, picking out the brushes she plans to use and setting them out in a row.
“Deal! Okay, so! Threesome details, my little vanilla cupcake… One of the people is someone I’ve hooked up with before. Do you remember Greg?” Jade asks, squeezing some foundation onto the back of her hand.
“Football Greg?”
