I snap my book shut, turn off the light beside my bed, and move onto my side away from him. It does nothing for my awareness of his proximity, but I shut my eyes and tell myself if I can’t see him, he’s not there.
He turns off his light, and I feel him settle down for the night. Is he facing me? Is he clenching his fists trying not to touch me the way I am? Is he thinking about all the things we could be doing right now? Because I am. I can’t stop thinking about how easy it would be to roll over and find him in the dark with my hands, and then my mouth. To kiss him until neither of us can breathe and then touch every inch of him, clothes not required.
Oh my god, Jessie. Go to sleep. Stop it.
I force all these thoughts out of my mind. This is not the time or place. I tell myself if I can count to one thousand, I can reach out and touch him.
I don’t even make it to seventy-five.
CHAPTERFOURTEEN
MAC
I’m in my bed at home and I’m not alone. It only takes half a second for my brain to register the spill of dark hair on the pillow beside me and who it belongs to and the reason why.
I don’t know how I could have forgotten she was here, especially as I’ve woken up with a…situation.
Some of this might have to do with the fact that somehow during the night she found her way into my arms, her back against my chest, my arm slung across her side, and some of it might have to do with the very specific sex dream I had about her.
It started out innocently enough. We were on a vacation in the summer at my parents’ beach house, but it was just us. We were on the beach, which is private given the location of the house, and we’d just gone for a swim in the ocean. We were laying in the sand, still wet from the swim, and I rolled over onto my side and we started to kiss. In my dream she was just wearing a bikini, and when I started to kiss her I tasted salt and the sweetness of her skin. She tasted the same as she did at the Halloween party, and in my dream I kissed the same spot on her neck as I did that night. In my dream she arched under me, a small moan escaping her lips, encouraging me to keep going. So I did. I explored her whole body with my mouth, tasting every inch of her, eventually focusing on the part of her that brought her the greatest pleasure, until she finished in the most fantastic way. The noises she made, the divots in the sand where her hands and feet were clutching and clawing at the ground, the sand in my hair from her hands—it was the sexiest dream I’ve ever had, and when I woke up, seconds after my name was on her lips, it took me a minute to reorient myself to my bedroom.
And the fact that the girl I just dreamed about was lying right up against me.
So of course I have a…situation.
I shift my hips back, trying to create space between us. Having her this close is intoxicating, but I don’t think she knows we’re cuddling, and I don’t want her to wake up and freak out.
Since yesterday, having her in my house with my family has been better than I imagined it would be. She fits right in, everyone loves her, and even with a spot of anxiety she never tried to just run away. I’m not like that. When I’m somewhere I don’t want to be I just leave. If my options are fight, fawn, or flight, I am flight one hundred percent of the time. But Jessie does hard things way more often, and with way more grace than I do.
I carefully lift my arm, moving ever so slowly, but she makes a grunting noise and rolls over to face me, burying her face in my neck. It solves the issue with my…situation given that her hips are nowhere near mine and my one arm isn’t around her anymore, but my other arm is still trapped under her head and she’s using it as a pillow. Her lips are practically on my collarbone, and it’s not making my…situation any better.
She looks so relaxed, so beautiful. I push back a strand of her hair, tucking it behind her ear. She moves her head at the touch, and I freeze.
I don’t want to wake her, but I’m starting to feel awkward just lying here stock-still. I should try to sneak out. The urge to cuddle her for real is so overwhelming, and if I don’t leave soon I might just lay here and let myself hold her.
I would never without her full consent, but I do think she’s feeling all the same things I am. I see the way she looks at me. I haven’t missed the way we’ve casually added physical touch to our dynamic, and it isn’t just me making the moves. Jessie is feeling this, and it makes me really excited for the listening party tonight.
I wait until her breathing is fully even and deep and slowly start to pull my arm out from under her, but she stirs, so I freeze again. When she’s still I start again, inch by inch, moving my arm so as not to disturb her. But suddenly she jolts, inhaling deeply and waking with a start. I snatch my arm out and quickly put it under my own head, resting on it on my pillow very cool and casual-like.
Jessie blinks until she’s oriented, and when she realizes how much of her head is on my pillow she scoots back, her eyes closing again, like maybe she didn’t mean to wake up and wants to go back to sleep.
“Good morning,” she says, her voice adorably crackled with sleep.
“Hi.”
“It’s Black Phantom album day,” she says with a lazy smile. Her eyes blink open, but she squints, the light from the window too much for her tired eyes.
“I know,” I say, my own face stretched into a smile. She’s so cute I can barely stand it. “I have something special planned for our listening party.”
She pulls the covers up to her chin, snuggling in and closing her eyes again. She probably has no idea how beautiful she looks right now. My fingers ache to touch her again. My arms ache to hold her.
“Will there be cake?” she asks, her words slow and languid.
“No cake.”
“Then by definition it’s not a party.”
“Has to be cake to be a party?”
