“I’m not,” I say, and I watch as Jessie’s face turns bright red. I try not to stare, but I can’t help it.
Jessie is everything I had no idea I wanted. My crush on her for the past two years was a distant, untouchable thing, our banter, our dynamic, the bright spot in my day countless times. But after the Halloween party, that crush became corporeal. It was smoke in my lungs that turned back into fire and became something I could no longer control. Every minute spent with her, every smile, everything I learned about her, became fuel, spreading a wildfire through all of me with reckless abandon.
When a wildfire eventually dies out, all that’s left in its wake are bare trees, charred grass, and ash. Thinking of a tomorrow without Jessie feels like that.
I don’t know if it was luck or divinity that got us here, but I’ll worship any god who claims a hand in it. Whatever sacrifice I need to make for a forever made of tomorrows, I’ll make it. No questions asked.
* * *
Jessie
Mac insists on walking us back to our dorm and all the way to the door. Jade says good night quickly and ducks inside, leaving Mac and me alone. I stand in the doorway, half in and half out of our dorm, and he leans against the doorframe, one arm framed above me, propping him up and boxing me in. I could step back if I wanted some space.
I don’t.
“Thanks for coming with me,” I say, tugging on the hem of his shirt.
Leaning in, he places a soft kiss on my lips. He grips my hip with his free hand and pulls me against him. His arm comes around me and his kiss becomes more demanding. I let the dorm door shut behind me and lean into Mac—lean into the kiss.
Whatever awe and wonder I thought my first kiss would inspire was completely missing, but I found it here, with Mac. Someone should warn us it isn’t our first kiss that’s magical, but our first kiss with magic is the first one that matters. Maybe the only one.
We say good night, and I wait until Mac has disappeared into the elevator before slipping back inside the dorm. Jade is waiting for me on the couch.
“I really cannot get over you two. Like, who are you and what have you done with my Jessie?”
“I don’t know!”
“Are you officially over Sexy Shakespeare?”
“That is an easy yes. Well—it’s almost an easy yes. Mac and I have chemistry too. It’s similar to Sexy Shakespeare, but…I don’t know. I can’t describe it.”
“What if it was Mac?”
“What if who was Mac? Sexy Shakespeare? With the wig and the accent?” The idea makes me chuckle. “What are the actual chances of that?”
“You know I’m bad at math.”
“I am too. Plus, I think I would have known. The accent was real.”
“Are you sure?”
“I guess I can’t be totally sure. But if it was Mac…he would have told me.”
“That’s true,” Jade says with a shrug.
I join her on the couch, checking my email as I get settled. I freeze just as I’m about to throw a blanket over my legs.
“Oh my god. I…I won a scholarship!” I gasp, a sharp intake of air.
Jade launches herself at me, crawling all over my legs to try to see my phone screen.
“What! Which one? The Walden Senior Scholarship?”
“No, no, just one of those ones from the list I applied to. They’re giving me two thousand dollars.”
I know my heart is still beating and I’m still getting breath to my lungs, but I can’t feel any of these things happening. Two thousand dollars is something. I won something. It’s not nearly enough to cover the whole year, but if I won this one, maybe I could win a few others.
For a moment the initial shock and numbness give way to a sense of security, but it dissolves when I remember how much needs to be covered. The rest of my tuition, books, housing. It’s so much money. This barely scratches the surface. My hope crumbles, a forgotten cookie at the bottom of the bag.
