“Well?” I prompt, losing the game.
“She probably does actually want to be with you, but her reasons for wanting time to get to know you before diving into the deep end again were valid for all the reasons she said, and she was too nice to say that you still have so much fucking baggage with Dad. She probably wants to make sure you aren’t going to fuck it up again.”
The food in my mouth is suddenly more difficult to chew. I finish the bite with effort and set my burger down, but he’s not done.
“You just said to me that Dad’s choice got you so fucked that you couldn’t even tell her you loved her back when you dated the first time. Why the hell would she want to commit to you again?”
“Because I’m not that guy. I can express my feelings now.”
“How does she know that? Did you show her that in the week you spent with her?”
“How was I?—”
“Exactly.”
I rest my forehead on my palms, processing his words. It’s not like Abby didn’t say all of this the other night. She did, and a hell of a lot nicer than Gray is saying it now. But this time, I don’t have an anxiety soundtrack in the background.
I always knew that what she wanted made sense—I just couldn’t get past the idea that she didn’t want me as much as I wanted her. I thought if she did, that she would for sure want to date me no matter the risks.
But I broke her heart once. My track record only proves that I’m capable of leaving. Of hurting. And my words don’t speak as loud as my actions will.
Even in my words, I haven’t proven myself to her. I couldn’t tell her I love her because of…this. Because of what happened with my family and the way it broke my view of love.
I’ve held on so tightly to all the things I’ve been feeling since I was eighteen, unable to move past it. Like a mosquito encased in amber, but my amber is resentment.
If I have any hope of a successful relationship with Abby, I have to get out of my encasement.
“When did you get so wise about matters of the heart?” I ask. “You’ve never been in a relationship.”
“Because I keep watching you and everyone else around me fuck them up. Learning from everyone’s mistakes. Plus, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see what an idiot you’re being.”
“Stop calling me an idiot.”
“Then stop acting like one.”
I chuck a fry at him. It bounces off his cheek and lands on his plate. He snaps it up and devours it.
We clear our plates, silence descending on us as we eat. I’m glad for it. I want to wrap my mind around all of this.
“He asks about you, you know,” Gray says, leaning back in his chair with a fresh beer, bringing up our dad again. I flinch inside, but curiosity and a desire to be better win out over my grudge.
“Do you tell him things?”
“Sometimes. He mostly just wants to know how you are.”
Anger bubbles up in my chest, gurgling up into my throat, but I swallow it away.
“Yeah, well…actions have consequences and I don’t pity the ones he’s enduring for his selfish choices.”
It’s all I can manage without letting my anger spill out of my mouth. It’s the best I can do, given that I have no idea what else to do with all the fire burning in my chest.
“I don’t think you know this,” Gray says.
He wants me to ask,“Know what?”He’s baiting me. But I lost the last round of chicken, so it’s his turn. I stare him down, finish a beer, and order another one, picking at the last of my fries before he finally breaks.
“He was going to leave earlier.”
“Dad? Was…what?”
