“It’s fine.” I take a deep breath and plant both hands on top of my chest. “It’s just like everything inside constricts. I freeze and can barely speak around other girls. I’m paralyzed, waiting for them to say something mean.” I drop my hands, exhaling hard. “Sometimes it’s just a look. Man, they can hurt just as much.”
Milo tilts his head, finding my eyes. “Why don’t you give it back to them?”
I shrug, avoiding his gaze. “My mom always told me to be careful of other women. Men, she said, were easier to get along with. Women are calculating. She said she’d protect me from other women’s opinions.” I pause, sighing. “With her gone, it’s like I don’t know how to act.”
“Oh.” He pauses for a beat too long, causing me to look back at him. He chews his bottom lip as his eyes dart left to right.
I wave a hand, backing onto the field. “It’s cool. I don’t need these girls to like me. I just need to get back on the team. I have enough friends.”
Milo steps forward, following me onto the field. “But you look miserable.”
I purse my lips as a wave of emotions pushes through me. “No, I’m okay.”
He shakes his head, sadness drooping his expression. “Tell that to your face.”
I gulp, turning away from him and jogging back to the others for another round of drills. My insides slosh. I want to stand here, tall and strong, but another wave of haphazard emotion surges through me. My knees knock together and the back of my neck is slick with clamminess.
I missed whatever Coach said to the group. Leah knocks me out of my trance by tapping my arm.
“Huh?”
“You wanna pair up?” she asks with a blank stare.
“Okay, sure.”
I follow her as she gets a ball and dribbles it up the field. I look around at the other pairs, trying to work out what we’re supposed to be doing. Everyone is still finding a spot on the field, giving me nothing. I turn back to Coach for help, but he’s chatting with Stacey.
Leah snaps her fingers. “Earth to Jamie.”
I shake my head, positioning myself square to Leah. “Sorry.”
Leah passes me the ball, and I stop it, dumbfounded about what to do next. I position myself to pass back, but Leah has started jogging toward me. I re-position, ready to kick as she passes me. In my haste, I fumble the ball and almost trip over my foot.
Dang it.
Knots tighten along my spine as I imagine Milo watching from behind me. I’m supposed to be the best on the team, but somehow, I’m showing off his skill level.
“What are you doing?” Leah asks, digging her cleats into the ground to stop.
“Sorry,” I mumble. “Preoccupied.”
“Snap out of it,” she demands. “It’s bad enough you’ve already missed a practice and a game, we don’t need you snoozing while you’re here.”
I give her an indignant look. “Calm down. I missed a pass, not the end of the world.”
Leah scowls and repositions herself to pick up the ball. I pass to her and race ahead to receive her diagonal pass. The sadness drains out of me, as annoyance flames inside me. My moves are fast, and Leah can barely keep up. Her moves are sloppy as she course corrects.
Did she really think she could dismiss my desire to be here? Milo might think I have no confidence, but my passion for soccer is one thing I won’t let anyone belittle.
When we finish running the drills, Leah rests her hand on her knees, bending over as she pants for breath.
“Was I awake enough for you?” I ask, juggling the ball on my knees. I let the ball hit the ground and mutter, “You might want to work on your fitness.”
I pass the ball to Stacey, who is collecting them to take back to the storeroom. I walk away, keeping my back to Leah and the other girls. As long as I keep up my skills, they can’t touch me. I still have no protection in the school halls, but at least I’m a queen on the soccer field.
Milo walks along the edge of the field, and I catch up to him on my way to the locker room.
“Looks like you got some of your spark back,” he says.
