“Colin, I have a question. I’m not sure that I should even be asking about it yet, but I would like to understand you better. I like you,” Sydney babbles out, affirming my notions that she is nervous.
I suddenly remember that she and Ava have met, and surely, knowing Ava, she probably mentioned Jenna.Damn,I had been hoping to save this discussion for another day, but I guess it’s better to get it out in the open now if I expect to have any sort of relationship with Sydney.
“Go ahead,” I say cautiously, just in case it isn’t Jenna that she asks about.
“Okay.” Sydney takes a deep breath, choosing her words carefully. “What happened to Jenna? I know she was your wife. Ava mentioned her when I told her about our date tonight. I didn’t want to ask her what happened because I know it’s personal. It’s your story to tell. I hope I’m not offending you, and if you don’t want to talk about it right now, I completely understand.”
“No, you’re not offending me.” I blow out a nervous breath and lean back in my chair, running my fingers through my hair. “It’s been five years since the accident. We might as well discuss it. I figured Ava had probably mentioned her, but I didn’t know for sure. Jenna and I were married for three years, and she was wonderful.”
I sigh before sharing more of a story I hadn’t had to share with anyone in a very long time. “She was a kindred spirit and so full of life and love that she gladly passed on to anyone she met. On the night of our third anniversary, she got hit by a drunk teenager while driving home. I can still remember taking dinner out of the oven and to the table, lighting the candles to surprise her. She was running a few minutes late already, and when the doorbell rang, I thought she was just goofing around waiting for me to answer the door or needed help since she was carrying something in.”
I take in a shaky breath, not quite able to look Sydney in the eyes just yet.
“When I opened the door to the sheriff instead of Jenna, I knew something bad had happened. I let him in, and he asked me to have a seat in the living room. He sat down and explained that she had been in an accident, that they did everything they could to help her, but before they were able to get her out, she died due to internal bleeding.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Sydney’s hand cup her mouth, and when I glance at her, her eyes are glassy looking,obviously holding back tears, but I keep going. She reaches out and takes my hand in hers. That small gesture means the world to me.
“They said they’d tried to resuscitate her when they got her loose, but her brain had been deprived of oxygen for too long, and they just couldn’t get her heart to start beating again.” I feel the pain tear the old wound open again. I take a deep breath and remind myself it’s all over. That I’ve already survived the worst days and that this feeling will pass just like it always does.
“For the longest time, I felt guilty for being home early, cooking to surprise her while she was bleeding to death, stuck in a car. I would’ve given anything to take away her suffering, because I know she did, and that hurt more than words can describe. I just remember feeling as if every bit of air was sucked out of my lungs, and I couldn’t breathe, which caused the pain to be worse, imagining if that’s how she had felt at any point before she’d died. I wish I could’ve said goodbye, or at least told her that I loved her one more time. Hell, I would’ve gladly taken her place. The day they put her in the ground, I swore I’d never love again. A part of me died in that car with her. I never wanted to take the chance of caring too much and having that love ripped away again. I felt too guilty to be happy or enjoy life while she was cold in a coffin. I haven’t been on a date in five years, a first date in eight years. I just hadn’t wanted to…until tonight. Until you.” I swallow hard and chance bringing my eyes to hers.
I have no idea what Sydney is thinking; visibly, she looks shaken. I hadn’t meant to say that much, but it all just kind of poured out. She takes in a deep breath, a single tear sliding down her left cheek as she squeezes my hand. That’s when she seems to find her voice.
“Colin, I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve gone through, but from what you’ve told me about her, I know Jennawould want you to be happy. So I’m proud of you for taking that step to move on. Not only are you doing it for yourself, you’re doing it for Jenna. And thank you. Thank you for choosing me to take that step with. I know it couldn’t have been easy, but it explains the hesitant look I’ve seen in your eyes. Don’t ever feel like you can’t talk about her with me. I would love to know more about her someday when you’re up to it. I think I would’ve loved to have known her.”
At that moment, I know in my heart that someday I’ll find love again, and right now this woman amazes me. Maybe I could even find love with her. I’m amazed that she isn’t freaking out and feeling some sort of competition with a dead woman, which is what I kind of expected and was nervous about. Her tenderness surrounding the subject tugs on my heartstrings, and I just have to lean in and kiss her softly one more time before whispering, “Thank you.”
???
Sydney
Color me surprised that the discussion went so well. I’d been crazy nervous to ask about Jenna, and I definitely did not expect to get much of an answer. Instead, I got the whole story, feelingtouched that he already trusted me enough to open up and tell me about it. I now understand the hesitancy, the sadness behind his eyes. This man has been through hell and back, but I’m not scared to move forward anymore. I know that I will never be Jenna, nor do I want to be. I get the sense that he’s not the kind to compare us. It’s just not in him to be like that. There’s no competition, and I’m not jealous of the space Jenna still holds in Colin’s heart. That’s expected, and if I were in the same position, I wouldn’t want a possible lover to expect me to forget the past.
Now all I can seem to think about is if there will be a next date? He said he’s not offended that I brought Jenna up, but did I do it too soon? I think tonight has gone perfectly, and I can’t wait to tell Ava all about it. On that note, I need to call Holly. Holly is probably pissed that she hasn’t heard from me since the day I left St. Louis.Shit,that’s not going to be fun.Then again, Holly will understand once I bring up the topic of this gorgeous veterinarian. Holly will be so proud of me for getting back out there again so soon. The last three guys had been one blow after another, ruining my whole outlook on dating. Well, at least for a while, but things are looking up. I now have getting to know Colin to look forward to, and he is a good man. He doesn’t seem like the type that would cheat, lie, or abandon me in an hour of need.
A few minutes later, Colin looks at his watch, mentioning that he has to get going. It is getting late, and he’s meeting his friends Mark and Trystan in the morning to go fishing. We say our goodbyes and he promises to call in the next few days. I try not to feel a little nervous that I asked for this discussion now.Gah, I really hope I didn’t blow it…He bends down to my chair, kissing me quickly one last time before heading onto the beach. I smile to myself, watching him leave. Right before the darkness of night consumes him, I see his profile glance back one moretime to look my way.Nah, I think it’s all okay.The gesture calms my nerves.
Tonight was wonderful. I brush my fingertips across my lips as if I can still feel his lips smoothing against mine. Snapping out of my little escape from reality, I gather the wine glasses and mosey back into the house. A little furball shadows me as I do all my nightly things before bed. When I curl up under my comforter, Bitsy jumps up onto the bed, crawling to me with a content purr. She searches for the comfiest spot next to me which so happens to be on my pillow next to my face. I snicker as she makes her muffins, petting her until she is happily purring and settled, my own exhaustion making its presence known. I drift off to sleep to the sound of Bitsy’s purring and warmth. My dreams are consumed by Colin.
???
Colin
Barking near my face jolts me out of bed the next morning bright and early. I give Amy, who is staring deadpan at me, demanding her morning walk, the biggest stink eye I can conjure. With that wakeup call, it’s not hard.This is why some people choose cats.I stretch, sit up, rub the sleep from my eyes, and stagger out of bed. I wish I were more of a morning person. Stepping into some jogging shorts, I then grab and pull my arms through a white tee as I shuffle to and open the back door. I follow Amydown the path and out onto the beach. I sigh deeply then breathe in the salty, fresh air. It rejuvenates me in ways I’ll never quite understand.
Last night I dreamt of Jenna once; it wasn’t unpleasant. It wasn’t the type that left me reeling upon awakening. I hate the dreams that involve her accident. They always have me present, front and center to Jenna’s suffering and cries for help, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t save her. I wake in a cold sweat, and nothing I do will shake those images from my head for the rest of the day.
Thank goodness this wasn’t one of those dreams. The rest of my dreams last night had been filled with Sydney in that dress, her smooth looking legs and those sexy as sin heels. I’d kissed her lips like a man starved, and she’d loved every bit of it. I’d woken up, just as it was getting good, with a hard on like no other.Thanks for that, Amy. A hot shower and a release call to me, but I might as well get some morning exercise and tend to Amy’s needs first.
I walk with Amy about a mile down the beach when a text from Mark pings through, telling me that I better get my ass up to go fishing. I snicker out loud.Mark would start the morning out like that. I whistle to Amy and jog at a comfortable pace back to the house. So much for that hot shower and date with my hand. I’ll have to be quick.
By the time I get myself ready, out the door and to the spot where we always go, Mark’s “honey hole” as Trystan calls it, both guys have already settled in, each having a line already cast. They take one look at me and laugh.
“What the hell happened to you last night, man? You look like shit.” Mark always knows how to start off the morning.
“I had a date, that’s what happened.” I smile devilishly then continue. “And when you meet her, clean up that mouth of yours,” I partly kid while tossing cold cans of wild cherry Pepsito each of them. “The date went great, but I tossed and turned all night, and Amy woke me up with a start this morning. I guess I’m just still trying to shake it all off.”
They nod their thanks, but the looks on their faces are priceless. Mark takes a swig and chokes out humorously, “Wow, I’d started to think you were turning into a monk. What changed your mind about the whole, ‘I am celibate, I will never date again’ vow?” Mark’s tone is mocking, yet the underlying message to me is ‘good for you man’. That is as close to something serious that will ever come out of his mouth.
