“Ahkeem, I’m bleeding heavily. It’s a miscarriage. She’s tiptoeing around it because she has to!”
“Lovey, relax. Just breathe?—“
I interrupted him before he could finish telling me to calm down.
“What did it? The crash? Them beating my ass while I was tied up? She fucking kicked me in my stomach.” I spiraled while pulling my knees up to my chest.
“Let’s not jump to conclusions, Lovey.”
“Ahkeem, stop.” I ordered him with pain weighing down on my heart. “You’re getting your hopes up and setting these expectations when we both know what it is. I lost our baby to all this shit. I’m having a miscarriage. I know it. Seven knows it, and so do you. Being positive right now is not helping me.”
A deep breath flowed out of him as he took his seat next to me. My hand remained in his as we both sat in the harsh truth that neither of us needed doctors to confirm.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized. He’d always been quick to apologize, even if he wasn’t to blame.
A tear finally managed to slip from my eyes. I quickly wiped it while shaking my head. “It’s not your fault. It’s my karma, I guess. God’s settling the score with me after I had an abortion without telling you.”
“Lovey, don’t say that shit.” He shook his head.
“That’s how I feel.”
“Stop. I don’t want you feeling like that. I forgave you for that. You gotta forgive yourself now. You didn’t put yourself in this position. Things happened beyond our control. We’ll get through this.”
He got into the bed next to me and comforted me. I finally found the space to cry into my husband’s chest. Seven returned with another doctor and they examined me and ran all the tests Seven previously mentioned to me. My body was still in a state of shock from what I endured from the crash, and now my mind was completely fucked up. I dissociated while Ahkeem asked all the questions and talked to the doctors.
I didn’t know why I always expected to gloss over the consequences of my actions. I knew Ahkeem told me I had toforgive myself, but I knew what I did was wrong, especially to him. I thought agreeing to try to get pregnant would help me forgive myself and somewhat erase what I did, but no. I was hit with a loss. I could sit and cry about how this shit wasn’t fair, but deep down inside, a part of me felt like I deserved it. I made a selfish move without considering my partner or even talking to God about it. I was only worried about what I wanted and never stopped to just think my decision through. I had to accept the fact that things wouldn’t always go in my favor, no matter what I did.
“You had what we call a chemical pregnancy. It means your body recognized the pregnancy, but it ended very early. This is more common than people realize... especially after trauma,” Dr. Web explained to me. I couldn’t even give him the decency of looking at him. I was stuck in my own head, replaying the events that led me here.
Seven cupped my hand in hers. “The stress, the accident, the injuries… any of those could’ve contributed.”
I said nothing.
They discussed a few more things with Ahkeem, then told me how sorry they were for my loss before leaving the room. Once they were out, I laid on my side with my back facing Ahkeem.
“Maybe you were right,” I said to him.
“Right about what, Lovey?”
“Me being selfish. Maybe I’m just too selfish to actually be a mother.”
“I said that shit out of anger, baby. I ain’t mean it. I may not agree with your reasons, but I can’t take them away from you. You having an abortion didn’t lead us here. You were in an almost fatal car crash where your car rolled twice. You were fucking kidnapped and beat on when you could barely defend yourself. What happened to you is the blame for our baby not making it, not some shit you did years ago. You understand me?”
I sniffled a few tears away. “Yeah.”
“I need you to not shut me out during all of this, Lovey. You went through the abortion without me. I’m not about to let this be a repeat. We gone get through this and come out stronger in the end.”
“Okay.”
I cried for some time before I ended up falling asleep. Seven kept me in the hospital overnight just to make sure I didn’t have any complications with the miscarriage. Aside from the pressure and cramping, it went smoothly. It could’ve been because my body was already in so much pain that it couldn’t even acknowledge the miscarriage even if it wanted to. Either way it went, I was surviving it.
When I got home, I was surprised to see Britain, Aja, Jadey, Priest, J’Ru, Kaymen, and the kids awaiting me and Ahk. I was sure Britain probably bullied my brother into giving her the spare key to our penthouse and hounded everyone else to show up for me. Talia was in our kitchen whipping up a nice breakfast while everyone else welcomed me with balloons.
“Graduate?” I bumped my brows together at the balloon J’Ru had.
He shrugged. “Shit, this the only one the corner store before your building had. We were in a rush.”
“Because somebody doesn’t like waking up early.” Aja rolled her eyes at him before pulling me into a hug.
