Iarrangemyfaceinto a bright, personable smile as I approach the library. Lips pulled back, eyes creased at the corners. I wrangle the tea tray from both hands onto the palm of my left hand to allow me to open the door. It’s a lot harder than Sid makes it look, that’s all I can say.
Once that’s done, I take a moment to breathe in and center myself.
Last night didn’t end the way I expected, and I admit, it’s thrown me a little. We left the ball soon after our conversation in the garden, and naturally, when we got home, I walked the little mouse to his rooms. He chattered the whole way and seemed in good spirits despite what we’d talked about earlier. I was buoyed by his reaction. More relieved than I expected to be.
We got to his door, and I searched his eyes for his desires, as I always do.
What I found there took me by surprise—a low level of arousal, nothing more. Thinking about it now, it was understandablegiven the lateness of the hour. Exhaustion dampens arousal in most people. It’s completely normal.
Dark, inky shadows swam within the depths of him and painted pictures of his head nestled into a mound of pillows as smooth, slow waves of pleasure washed over him.
There was something odd about the imagery though. Something removed. Something distant.
Something distant and removed from me.
It took me several seconds to work out what I was looking at. Jensen wanted sexual stimulation. He wanted an orgasm. He wanted comfort and relief. All that was as I expected. What wasn’t expected was the wall that had been erected between him and me. A solid slab of bricks, covered in plaster, and painted to match the rest of him.
He wanted to feel good, but he didn’t want it from me.
I don’t mind admitting it shook me quite badly. It’s taken quite a bit of time to make sense of it, though I’m ashamed to admit it. It’s not a huge deal or anything like that, I mean, people can want what they want. They can want who they want, or not, as is the case here. It happens every day all around the world.
Sometimes people want you, and sometimes they don’t.
It’s just that it’sneverhappened to me.
I exhale, chasing the thought away as I nudge the door open with my hip.
“Morning!” I say, raising my voice cheerily. “I thought you might fancy a cup of tea.”
I’m met with a blunt silence and an empty room.
I set the tray down on Jensen’s desk and wander around the library looking for him like a twit who thinks it’s possible for an entire human being to hide behind a stack of books.
He must be using the bathroom,I tell myself after my search unsurprisingly proves unsuccessful.He’ll be back soon.
I lean on his desk for a while as I wait, and then move to the settee. The tea goes cold, and there’s still no sight of him. The hair on the back of my neck rises as the silence in the library stretches. It’s something that usually only happens when I sense imminent danger.
It’s an extreme overreaction to someone not being at their desk, even I can see that.
He’s probably on a personal call. He’s likely talking to his brother or his beastly ex, and wants privacy.
I cast my eye around the room. No, that’s not it. His phone is in plain sight on his desk.
Perhaps he’s simply taking some time off. God knows he deserves it. It’s the weekend, and we were out late last night.
He’s probably taking a nap. That’s all.
I decide to keep waiting because he’s bound to turn up soon. He never stays away from the library for long, not even on his supposed days off.
When I’ve waited so long I can no longer explain to myself why I’m still here, I take my leave, retreating to my study to pass some time there.
After an hour, I get up and repeat the process. The result is the same.
By late afternoon, I’ve spent at least twenty minutes tapping on Jensen’s door to no avail, and I’ve ambled through every room on the ground floor, calling his name. Twice. It’s Sunday, so the house is unusually quiet. Mrs. Thompson is off today, and so is most of the rest of the staff. Sid is here, thank God for that.
It takes me a while to track him down, but eventually, I find him suited and booted, getting ready to leave for the day.
“Sid.” An urgency in my tone makes my voice a little louder than usual. It makes him look up sharply. “Have you seen the little mouse anywhere?”
