“Nix.”
“Your father has been calling your name like five times by now. I think he wants to talk to you.”
My father? Wanting to talk tome?Yeah, I don’t think so.
I look around the barn, searching for my father. To my surprise, when my eyes land on him, he is already staring at me, a hint of a smile on his lips.
Has he really been wanting to talk to me?
The smile on his lips disappears as quick as it came, a stern look covering his face. He motions for me to go outside, and when my eyebrows dip in confusion, he makes some sort of gesture that looks either like a lantern flying away, or he wants me to serve people? I’m just going to assume he means the former as this entire get-together is about lanterns.
It’s something a couple of the villagers came up with after one of our neighbor’s daughters has gone missing. They found the remains of her body three months later, or they assume these were hers. The body had skin missing, which—so I would assume—is to be expected when your lifeless body has been thrown into a lake filled with fish and other animals living in water.
Exactly nine years ago today, she went missing. She had just turned twelve that day. Nika and her friends wanted to stay out for a little while longer… but they never returned. Her friends came back two days later, disturbed out of their minds. Neither of them remembered what happened, but they could all say that something really bad did go down.
If it weren’t for my father insisting I came home because we were to catch a flight early the next morning, I would have been a part of this group. I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful for my father’s stubbornness, as bad as this may sound.
The year after, Nika’s best friend’s family suggested to still throw a little party for Nika, a lantern festival because Nika loved lanterns. It’s now an annual thing. All her friends and family show up here, writing messages to her, or wishes we have, on lanterns before we send them up to the sky. It makes her parents and sisters feel a little better about their loss.
As my father makes his way over to Aaron and me, I grab my fake boyfriend’s hand and drag him out of the barn. He was smart to keep his jacket on, I, unfortunately, took mine off the second we entered the barn, which means I am now slowly freezing to death as it’s approximately twenty-six degrees outside.
“You’re shivering,” Aaron says as he lays his hand on the small of my back, guiding me over to all the other people. They’re spread all around the little field behind the barn, preparing their lanterns for take-off. Some are lit already, held on to so they won’t fly up already.
“It’s a bit cold.”No shit, captain obvious.
Aaron chuckles, his hand retrieving from my body. “Should’ve put on a jacket.” Just as we come to a hold and I’m handed a lantern and a sharpie, I can feel someone—most definitely Aaron—laying some fabric over my shoulders. He walks around me until we’re face to face where he takes the lantern from me. “Put your arms in the sleeves.”
I feel horrible because I do so without hesitation. It’s my fault I forgot to put on a jacket before sprinting outside when I knew it was more than cold outside. I was well aware that it’s snowing, and that the snow on the ground goes up to my calves. There is no excuse as to why I didn’t put on a jacket. And now Aaron would rather freeze to give me his jacket, than shrug off my stupidity.
“Thank you, but—”
“You’re welcome.” Aaron beams a smile at me. His smile is always so warm, genuine. It’s inviting, truly. Just looking at Aaron challenges my mouth to keep quiet, fighting the urge to say the words I wanted to send him when I found his Facebook account a couple of years ago on accident.
And then he smiles… Oh boy, his smile.
It makes my heart squeeze in strange ways. In ways it’s never squeezed before. There’s always a pinch of pain when I remember he’s never going to be mine the way I want him to be. The way hepromisedhe would be. But then again, he promised that when we were eight. Okay,hewas eight, I was seven still. For two months, at least. Doesn’t make it any better.
“So, what do we do with this?” he asks, holding the lantern in his hands up to bring it into my vision.
I sigh deeply. We have a little under two weeks to go, and I’m already spacing out, thinking,dreamingabout Aaron when he is right in front of me.
“We send a message up to Nika,” I tell him as I pull the cap off the sharpie. Aaron looks a little confused but doesn’t ask.
Right, he doesn’t know what happened.
So I spend the next minute telling him about the horror night, what followed and how it got to this annual lantern “festival”. He doesn’t get a broad story, just a tiny summary to know enough.
“Some send up wishes,” I add at the end. “I always did.” But I don’t tell him that my wishes were only ever about him.
Yes, yes, I admit, that might be a little too over the top, but can you blame me? What good friend doesn’t want their friends to succeed in life? What kind of friend wouldn’t wish for the other to live happily ever after, make all their dreams come true, or be healthy? I never wished for Aaron to come find me or end up with him. All I ever wanted was for Aaron to behappy. So that’s what I wished for. Every single year.
Aaron nods once, kind of like he’s telling me he understood, but still has no idea what he’s supposed to do now. He also doesn’t askwhatkind of wishes I sent up, and I genuinely appreciate that.
I wouldn’t know what to tell him, and it sure as hell wouldn’t be the truth. Plus, I’m a strong believer in that one sentence my father used to say a lot when I was younger.“If you say it out loud, it’s never going to happen.”
Now, I do think it’s sort of the opposite of the truth since the law of attraction seems pretty legit. But I don’t think he ever meant to say toneverspeakof your dreams. Only progress that’s done to reach your goal as people are rude. They’re cruel and a lot of people around you aren’t always as they appear. Sure, they seem nice, but do they truly want you to succeed in life? Do better than them?
Of how many people in your life can you, with one hundred percent certainty, say that if you ever came out big, made it in the world and made anamefor yourself, they wouldn’t get jealous? How many of those people in your life do you trust to not try and fuck it up? Throw dirt your way? How many of those in your life do you know genuinelywantyou to achieve your dreams, even if they seem silly and unreachable?
