It was an accident, so much I can see by now. I was scared, and I never meant to murder my grandpa, and yet I can’t bear to be near that place.
In what must be less than a heartbeat, Aaron has pulled me off the floor and sits me right in his lap. His hands come up to my face, his thumbs stroking underneath my eyes to remove some of my tears.
“That wasn’t your fault, Sofia,” he speaks quietly, softly. “Accidents happen. All the time.”
“But I killed him.” My arms sneak around his torso, my head pushing past his hands until my forehead rests against his shoulder. “I killed him, Aaron.”
“Did you mean to do it?”
I shake my head instantly, praying that he can feel it as a headshake and not a nod. Even if I ever had the desire to murder someone, I’d be too chickenshit to go through with it. Not only would I rather stay out of prison and live in freedom, but it’s also just not worth it to murder someone.
“You were twelve, Sofia. I highly doubt you even thought about someone being able to die right in that moment.”
“My father hates me for it,” I sob. Admittedly, I haven’t made it easy for my father, as we have established before. But ever since that day… God, the look in his eyes, the anger, hiswords; I’ll never be able to forget either of them.
“I think your father is smart enough to know you never meant to cause any harm, my love. It was a shock for him as well. People tend to say awful things when in shock,” Aaron says. Why, oh why does he have to try to make me feel better about all of this. I thought he would hate me after this. Perhaps even see me as a cruel, vicious murderer that wasn’t charged because my family told the police my grandpa tripped and never mentioned my name in connection with his death.
But my nameisconnected to his death. If it weren’t for me, he’d still be alive.
“Have you talked to your grandma since then?” His arms close around my body, holding me just that tiny bit tighter.
“No,” I answer. “I couldn’t. In my mind, she doesn’t want to see me, which I can understand. I visited my grandpa’s grave a couple of weeks ago. I hoped that maybe I could get some closure, but I didn’t.”
Not sure how someone’s supposed to get closure from visiting a grave and apologizing over and over again to a dead person, but I figured it was a try worth it.
“I couldn’t stick around, Aaron. If I had stayed around New York, it would have killed me. Guilt would have gotten to me and I… I don’t think I would have made it out alive.” Staying around New York wouldstillkill me. The incident still haunts me in my sleep, even my daytime. It’s almost a miracle when I get a week without thinking about it.
A week when I’mnotin New York. Ever since I’m back there, it’s been haunting me daily. And I’m not sure I am strong enough to stick around without making everyone else around me miserable.
“Your parents permanently moved to Germany for you then?” I nod because they did. They didn’t suggest leaving America for good, I did. I begged my parents to leave because sticking around wasn’t an option for me. “If your father hates you as much as you think he does, I doubt he would have moved to the other side of the globe for you.”
I keep quiet for a moment, trying to let Aaron’s words sink in.
He might have a point there. If I hated someone, I wouldn’t move far away from home for them. And he does pay for my current stay in America. He wanted to have me home for the holidays. If he hated me that much, wouldn’t he want me to stay as far away fromhimas humanly possible?
Just yesterday he brought out my jacket because he saw I forgot it in the barn. If he hated me, he wouldn’t do that. If he hated me, he wouldn’t give a shit about me, but hedoes. He cares about me more than I ever allowed myself to see.
I need to apologize. To him. To my grandma. To everyone. I’ve been so caught up with making myself believe that everyone hates me for killing my grandpa, that I never even considered them seeing it as what Aaron has just pointed out, anaccident.Surely, they know I never intended to murder someone. Not even mysisteris that cruel and holds it against me, and I think we have already established that she just can’t stand me. So if not even Julia mentions it with every—in her eyes—mistake I make, or to get me to do stuff for her… they cannot see me as a murderer, could they?
Pulling away from the hug, I quickly wipe away some tears before allowing myself to meet Aaron’s eyes. And when they meet, I almost wish they didn’t.
The look in his eyes is something I never expected to see again. Admiration. He wholeheartedly believes that I am a good person. Aaron doesn’t see me as anyone below him even after my admission.
My heart skips a beat, butterflies in my stomach go wild and I can’t help but pray I will sort this shit out because being with Aaron has been my dream for far too long to give it up now. Now that Icouldhave it. He’s within reach, holding his hand out for me to take, offering a relationship my younger self would kill me for declining. But all of this onlyifI manage to get past my trauma, grow as a person and be able to give Aaron the love he deserves.
It’s not fair to him otherwise.
Unless I can promise Aaron a future without him having to make a crazy and stupid sacrifice, I can’t promise him forever. I can’t have him get his hopes up only for me to end up running away.
And I believe it’s important that I’m being honest with him.
“I can’t promise you to stick around, Aaron. Being in New City, so close to Manhattan, wherethishappened… it shakes me up. Every single day I spend over there, I feel like the walls are caving in on me. I need to sort this out beforehand, otherwise this would never be fair to you.”
“We’ll figure this out together, Icicle.” He cups my face with his hands, forcing our eyes to stay locked. “I promised to marry you, and I am going to renew my promise now.”
My eyes widen drastically, it feels like if they open just a millimeter more, they’ll fall right out of my head. He’s not—He can’t possibly mean that.
“Sofia Michelle Carlsen, I promise you; you and I will get married one day. I don’t care how long it will take us to get there. I don’t care what it will take us to get there, wewillget married because there is no one in this entire universe that couldeverconvince me of you not being meant for me,” he says, being deadly serious.
