Okay, how?
There could have been at least a million different other things I wanted to say, how would she know it is my grandfather I want to discuss?
“I… Yes. But I wasn’t going to say that.” Here goes absolutely nothing, nor will here go anything if I keep rambling and not saying what I have to say.
“I know, Sofia.” She leans forward, reaching a hand over the small coffee table to grasp mine. “You’re not as secretive with your motives as you think you are.”
“What?”
“Dear, I’ve always known when you were upset. And I admit, for a while when you were ignoring me, I thought it was because you were upset withme, when I should have known you were upset withyourselfall along.”
Upset with myself? That’s quite an understatement. Iloathemyself for what I have done to my family, to her, to my very own grandfather.
How could she say I amupsetwhen I had wished to exchange my place with my grandfather’s since the day he has passed?
I am not suicidal, but if there would have been a chance, I could’ve brought him back to life in exchange for my own, I would have taken it rather than live with the guilt of having killed him by accident.
The tears in my eyes become too much and swell over, one after the other running down my cheeks faster than I thought they would. Even when I wipe them away, they keep on coming.
“Oh, Sofia,” my grandmother sighs with sympathy, carefully forcing herself to get up from her seat. She walks over to me, sitting down beside me. “There is no need for you to cry.”
I shouldn’t do this, and yet I wrap my arms around her. My shoulders shake as I sob, tears falling onto her shirt, but she doesn’t tell me to move, instead, her arms come around my body, holding me.
“How are you so…” I gasp for air, my breath shaking. “How are you still willing to speak to me?”
Her hand strokes through the length of my hair before eventually feeling up the bow on the back of my head. “Why wouldn’t I, Sofia?”
“Because I killed yourhusband?” I break away from the hug, scooting a little over on the couch to bring some space between us.
I barely have enough courage to look my grandma in her eyes, but I do so anyway. Facing my trauma meansfacingit. I don’t start shit and then back out; I pull through with it.
When our eyes meet, she looks horrified. It’s like she has no idea what I am talking about. But she should, she was there. I mean, alright, she didn’tseeme push my grandpa down the stairs but I’m sure my father has told her.
“Your grandpa died because of a heart failure, Sofia. What are you talking about?”
A heart failure? No. No, that can’t be. I specifically remember him grabbing on to my shoulder, holding on to me when I wanted to run upstairs. I kicked around myself and could only listen to the painfilled groans before he let go of my shirt and fell.
There is no way I made that up.
“He fell. There was blood everywhere. I kicked him and he fell.”
“He fell because he had a heart attack. The autopsy confirmed it. Your grandpa was sick, had a weak heart. We didn’t know how long it would take until he could finally rest, but we were all aware of it happening sometime soonish,” she says, laying a hand on my leg. “You were twelve, honey, even if you had kicked him down the stairs, it would have been an accident. You are not a bad person, sweetie. Especially not a murderer.”
So… she’s telling me I ran away from my home, my friends and family for nothing? I felt guilty for something that has never been my fault in the first place?
Either she’s lying to make me feel better, or my parents have done a shitshow of a job to console me.
54
Aaron
“it’s like a knife that cuts right through my soul”—Only Love Can Hurt Like This – Slowed Down Version by Paloma Faith
It’s two hours laterwhen I finally get home.
Sofia still hasn’t reached out. Grey has brought me to the dorms first to check if she might be asleep, but she wasn’t there. Neither were her belongings.
Winter told me Sofia moved out and back to wherever she came from, which could only mean her aunt, but when I got there and asked Nicole if Sofia was there, I’ve been told she hasn’t seen Sofia ever since she moved to the dorms.
