“Aaron then?” At least I know where he’s at unlike Sofia and Emory. Again Lily shakes her head. I sigh heavily.
Okay, I can do this. I can… calm her down somehow.
Think, Grey, thi—
“It’s okay,” she tells herself, trying to take deep breaths. “Itsokayitsokayitsokay.”
Well, if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s telling yourself that everything will be okay does absolutely nothing.
“You know, your brain doesn’t technically understand languages.”Yes, talk science, that’ll help her. “It understands behavior. You can tell yourself it’s okay over and over again, but unless you act like it actually is okay, your brain won’t understand that you’re alright.”
“What?” Her hands are shaking, her voice breaking.
“Yeah, like with social anxiety. You’re actively avoiding crowds and therefore tell your brain that people are dangerous, that being outside with strangers is dangerous. You can tell your brain it’s not dangerous all you want, but it won’t understand. So in order to work against that anxiety, you will have to behave as though it’s not dangerous, go out despite the feeling in the pit of your stomach that’s telling you to stay home.”
“Grey…I—” Lily draws in a quick breath, more of a gasp than an actual breath.
“Right, not helping.”
Okay, think… I can do this.
Colin talks to her when she’s having a panic attack, I know that much. He holds her, but I can’t do that because I am not Colin, and my touch might do the exact opposite to her.
Encouragement. I know how to be encouraging.
“Lily, listen…” She locks her eyes with mine, all tears and pain. “I’m not Colin, so my words may do nothing for you, but; if you truly believe the Devil is out to catch you, then there’s something so fucking valuable inside of you. Thieves don’t break into empty houses. You’re worth so much more than you let yourself believe. And I promise you, every single person up there on the rooflovesyou. You’re never going to be alone again, you’ll always have someone by your side.”
“Even you?” Her eyes soften a little, her breathing still shaky but it’s calming, I think?
“Even me, Lily.” I admit, I haven’t really made it easy for her, or anyone, but Lily especially.
After Colin had told me Lily wanted to die and that it was the only reason she was around him, I was worried about Colin. I worried what it’d do to him if she died. I love Colin. I did four years ago, and I do now. And four years ago, I didn’t think it was that good of an idea for Colin to stick around someone who wanted to die and not even want the help to stay alive. He was the one who tried keeping her breathing, and I didn’t like it one bit.
Back then, I hated Lily for what she was doing to Colin. In my mind, there was no way she didn’t know that he liked her, and for her to allow Colin to go through this seemed selfish to me. Not the fact that she was struggling and wanted to die, committing isnotselfish. People who commit suicide die from an illness. It’s not them who pull the trigger, it’s the sick part in their brain that does. So Lily wanting to die was never my problem, but for her to allow someone else to get attached to her just before sheknewshe was going to die,thatwas selfish to me.
Thank god that didn’t happen.
Now I’m glad Lily is still around, or rather that sheisaround.
Lily squeezes my hands, tears still run down her cheeks, but she also has a very small smile tugging on her lips. She opens her mouth but doesn’t get to speak when someone cuts her off.
“Mi sol.” Colin is on the sofa next to her in mere seconds, holding her tightly to his body. Lily starts to sob harder and presses her face into his chest.
“I’m sorry… I—”
Colin cuts her off one more time. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Everything’s going to be okay.”
“I’m ruining everything,” she cries. “I shouldn’t be here, Colin. I shouldn’t still be alive.”
I thought she was doing a whole lot better than four years ago. She’s always laughing, always the first to comfort others.
“You’re not ruining anything.”
“Everyone hates me.”
“Nobody hates you, Lilybug. In fact, every single person up there would rather sit with you for days straight and listen to your story than tell it.”
I feel like I shouldn’t be here for this. I’m no good at comforting people. I might’ve studied psychology in college, but I still never bothered to care for anyone but myself. I know how to listen, give advice, but anything else is beyond me.
