My heart is breaking for that little boy who just wanted to know why he was feeling the way he did. Unfortunately, he had the kind of father figure who wasn’t even trying to help him, trying to comfort him. Instead, that father figure was beating him down for something Grey could never have influenced.
Nobody wakes up one day and is like “Welp, I guess Iwantto like boys now”. You don’t decide on who you fall in love with, it just happens. Love doesn’t have a gender.
“Is your mother’s last name the same as your dad’s?” I don’t want to accidentally call her the wrong name.
Grey shakes his head. “It’s Han. She kept her last name, which is not that unusual. Moon, Sun, and I would’ve taken my dad’s last name, but like I told you, my dad wanted us kids to not be associated with Li Co. unless we wanted to. And since people know our mother thanks to Dad, we had to get a whole new name.”
“Okay.” We walk through one of the rows of bookshelves. Yes, one of the rows. It truly looks like a library in here. With rows and rows of shelves filled with older books but also newer ones.
Grey suddenly stops in his tracks, causing me to bump into him. He turns around and clears his throat. “If you plan on using my dad’s full name, you have to say the last name first,” he tells me. “You always go Ji-Hoon Li, but it’s supposed to be Li Ji-Hoon. I never corrected you because I never thought you’d meet him anyway, so I didn’t bother with it. But now that you might meet him, if you say it in the wrong order, Dad’s going to throw you out faster than he will when I tell him we’re a couple.”
Oh, well… that does absolutely nothing to ease my nerves. I mean, I wasn’t planning on using Li’s first name in front of him, but that’s good to know anyway. “What about your mom?”
“Han Eun.”
I nod slowly.
“So every time I say your name in what is the correct order for me, it’s wrong?” I note. “I’m supposed to say Davis Grey?”
“Technically, but nobody does that. And I happen to think Grey Davis sounds a whole lot better than the other way around. Also, I didn’t really grow up with my own culture. I lived here my whole life and Dad always kept us as far away from our roots as humanly possible. He believed that the more ‘Korean’ we were, the more we would’ve gotten hated on. It’s bullshit, like a whole lot that leaves this guy’s mouth.”
It really is bullshit. Even if Grey grew up feeling more connected to his culture, that wouldn’t have mattered. As long as he doesn’t look like the average American, there are still going to be people who hate on him for looking Asian. Getting to know the culture behind his genes wouldn’t have changed a damn thing.
“You speak Korean though, right?” I think I sort of hinted at that question before, but I’m not sure. No, I did. When I asked about his tattoos, but he never confirmed if he actually spoke the language.
“I do.”
That’s at least something. “My mom never taught me Arabic,” I tell him. I know Grey hates when we only ever talk about him, and I fear he will shut down very soon. “But she also doesn’t speak Arabic sooooo,… I guess that’s why. She understands it, but she doesn’t speak it, if you know what I mean? I don’t have any connections to Morocco except that my mom was born there and that my great grandparents lived there. My grandparents, however, moved from Morocco to Malibu after my mom was born, and then sometime later my mom met my dad and then there was me. The best human on earth.”
Grey snorts a laugh, disagreeing with me. “I don’t think there’s something such asthe best human.”
“Uh, yes. You’re looking at him?” I point at myself with both of my index fingers. “You’re my boyfriend, Grey Davis. You’re supposed to feel like I am the best human on earth, especially when I am blessing your life with my presence.”
He shoves me away, a hint of a laughter bubbling in his throat, I can see it. I love making Grey laugh, even if he tries to suppress it every single time.
“I think a week of isolation made you even cockier.”
Huh. “Cocky or narcissistic?” I ask, genuinely wanting to know which one it is.
Grey sighs. We both know the answer even without him saying it.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Why do I keep on doing this? I don’t want to be like this, dammit. I’ll be twenty-seven years old tomorrow, I should be able to say things without making me out to be… the best person alive.
“Luan,” Grey says and lifts my face to his. “It’s okay. You’ve been doing so great, one setback isn’t going to ruin everything.”
Have I though? Grey’s not around a lot, how could he be so sure about me doing great? I tried showing him the best side of me from the very first second. I have been trying to be on my best behavior around him from the day we met.
But I did stop myself from seeking out the validation of Grey’s friends before. It might’ve been a small step in a long time, but it was a step.
“Are you sure meeting my dad is a good idea?” His eyes filling with concern. “I can promise you, he isn’t going to like you, and I know how badly you’ll want him to.”
“Yes,” I answer. “I don’t care if he likes me because I don’t like him. I love you, Grey Davis, and that’s more than enough. I don’t need to be liked by a man who would rather put his own son through hell, than accept him the way he is.” I mean, my parents love me through all I’ve done. They loved me even when they found out that I was a manipulator.
If my parents could do that, Grey’s father should be able to love Grey even when he’s notstraight. And trust me, being a fucked-up person is far worse than falling in love withpeoplerather than a gender.
“Okay,” he breathes out heavily. I’m not sure if he’s more nervous for me to meet his parents, or if I am. From the looks of it, it’s him.
