It wasn’t as though they could soothe each other either. They were the cause of their pain, and the only solution would be to lance her feelings, but the fact that these feelings existed at all worried her.
Everyone was packing to leave. Rose was in her room. She could hear footmen and servants carrying luggage throughout the house as everyone planned to depart. A maid who was helping her pack had taken one of her bags outside. She had not spoken to Edmund at breakfast. There had been a couple of moments when she caught Edmund’s glance, and it seemed as though he might wish to speak with her, but nothing came to fruition.
Rose left the table while Edmund was at the other end of the room, speaking with his guests. She felt the weight of his gaze on the back of her neck, but it had not slowed her pace. It had not prevented her from leaving.
And she had not spent time with Amelia either, for the last thing she wanted was to teach her a proper Pall Mall technique. It only made her feel worse, however, as it again emphasized the difference between herself and Amelia. She could not imagine Amelia ever lacking the grace or manners to keep to her word.
Amelia was just better than her. There was nothing else to it.
Rose jumped, startled, when someone knocked at her door. She froze, fearing it was Edmund. Since it was his house and they were courting publicly, he did not seem bound by the rules of propriety. There was always an unseen servant nearby anyway, not that Edmund cared much for the rules.
“Who goes there?” Rose asked, trying to hide the nerves in her voice.
“It’s just me,” Lydia said. “Are you decent?”
Rose opened the door and welcomed Lydia in. Lydia settled on the edge of the bed.
“I wanted to spend some time with you before you left. You left breakfast in a rush, and you seemed distracted. Is anything the matter?”
Lydia was so sweet and genuine. Her eyes were lined with worry. There was not a cruel bone in her body. Rose was tempted to lie at first, but then she wondered why she should hide her feelings from her closest friend. If she could not confide in Lydia, then her feelings would not have been safe with anyone.
So Rose took a heavy breath and sank to the bed as well, sitting beside Lydia.
“In all honesty, I feel miserable,” Rose said. This also helped convey her story as a heartbroken woman. Did it make her feel better that she no longer had to face lying to her friend? Not enough.
“Why? Because of Edmund?”
“Nothing has happened, and yet everything is different. This was supposed to be little more than a distraction, a few promenades that would end as swiftly as they began, and yet now… now…”
“Now you feel something for him,” Lydia said.
Rose met her gaze. “It does not matter what I feel. The silly thing is that I planned to deceive everyone that I was heartbroken. I was prepared to act this way so that nobody would ever force me to marry, and now the irony is that the feelings are genuine.”
Lydia took her hand and squeezed it tightly. “While I can’t condone deceiving everyone, I am glad that your heart knows these feelings. It is the only thing that matters, Rose. I know my brother can be difficult, but I am sure that he will make a proposal to you. He might just want to wait for the right moment. I am surprised myself that it did not come at this party, but he has always had his own methods of doing things.”
“It is not just that,” Rose said morosely. “I know that I am not good enough for him.”
“Rose, you should not say such things! Even the King would be grateful to have you for a wife,” Lydia said without hesitation. Rose squeezed Lydia’s hand back.
“Everyone deserves a friend like you, Lydia.”
“But it is true. You are kind, intelligent, and brave. These are all qualities that should be admired, and I know Edmund appreciates them. There is no question of your worth, and you should not doubt yourself. I have never known this to happen before, so I am unsure why it should occur now.”
“Perhaps because I have seen a better reflection that illuminates my own flaws. Nobody has ever called me a diamond, after all.”
“Ah. You are speaking of Amelia,” Lydia said, understanding coming over her face.
“If you wish to feel better about the notion, then I can restate it as being suitable rather than worthy. I cannot imagine Amelia forging names on dance cards to fill them up.”
Lydia giggled. “I can’t imagine anyone else doing it.”
“Which is why I feel the way I do. She relishes every aspect of this life, while I have always railed against it. I have always seen it as an obligation, an unwanted duty, and the expectations placed upon me have seemed like shackles.”
“And you have that in common with Edmund.”
“Perhaps that is why my feelings are ill-timed. Edmund should have someone who complements him, who completes him, not someone who shares the same flaws. Amelia could show him the benefits of duty and smooth out his rough edges. She is steady and admired. Everyone has a positive opinion of her, and she has charmed people at this party.”
“As have you.”
