No matter how misguided Jon was, she couldn’t turn her back on him. Somehow, she had to find a way to put him off without destroying their friendship.
There was no time to mull over the best way to put it all into words, however. He was watching her, waiting for her answer.
‘I’m really touched,’ she said hesitantly, stretching out her legs, her gaze fixed firmly on the hands in her lap. ‘Sorry for sounding angry; I was just so surprised?—’
‘It’s okay, I understand. You weren’t expecting it.’
Her swimsuit was almost dry and the sun was beating down on her back and shoulders. The blood on her foot and calf had turned rusty brown.
‘I’m honoured you think so highly of me and you know I’m very fond of you…’
There was a sharp intake of breath; he didn’t like that word, ‘fond.’
‘But the truth is, I can’t ever have a relationship with you. It wouldn’t seem right, because of Harriet. I’d feel I was being disloyal to her memory.’
Jon made a strange sound, a cross between a cry and a groan.
‘Disloyal?’ he repeated. ‘I profoundly disagree. I think it would be a great tribute to her. If I hadn’t loved her with all my heart when she was alive, I’d hardly want a relationship with her closest friend, would I?’
Stella frowned.
‘What about Jemima? It would be awful for her to think of us together. Imagine trying to explain it to her friends. They might assume something was going on before Harriet died.’
‘Rubbish.’ Jon’s body had tensed up. ‘Jemima adores you. She’d love me to be happy. She’d rather I was with you than some strange woman she mightn’t get on with.’
Stella’s shoulders drooped and she picked savagely at some peeling skin on the side of her thumbnail. It seemed he had an answer for everything.
‘Could you love me, if there weren’t these objections?’ he asked tentatively.
Her head ached and there was a throbbing pain behind her eyes. How could she give him the honest answer, but kindly? She didn’t dare look at him for fear of giving herself away.
For a moment, she pictured Al standing right in front of her, frowning with exasperation and running a hand through his thick, silver-flecked hair.
Why are you beating about the bush, Stella? Just tell him the truth, for God’s sake. Stop trying to people please. It doesn’t work. Give him a clear, direct message. It’s the kindest way. You don’t fancy him, that’s all there is to it. He’ll be upset, of course, but he’s a big boy. He’ll get over it.
If only she could guarantee Jon wouldn’t fall apart!
But there was no certainty, and Stella knew she couldn’t bear to inflict more pain by being so frank. Stumped, she cast around desperately for a suitable response and almost cried with relief when a fresh idea sprang to mind.
‘There’s another thing,’ she said, sensing Jon stiffen again. ‘I’m not over Al. I thought I was but I’m not. I miss him a lot. I keep thinking about him, especially here, for some reason. I know initially I was the one who wanted the separation, but I’m beginning to think I’ve made a mistake.’
‘Really?’ Jon’s disbelief was palpable. ‘Not long ago, you told me you were completely over him. What’s changed?’
Stella felt a prickle of annoyance. She shouldn’t have to justify her feelings to him; to anyone, in fact.
‘I don’t know. Maybe it’s being here, in such a beautiful place. It reminds me of all the happy times we had together. It wasn’t all bad, by any means. We worked really well together for a long time. It was only towards the end things began to fall apart, and I’m sure that was my fault as much as his. In fact, it was probably mostly my fault because I was so sad about Harriet. I’m wondering if we should try again.’
She didn’t like lying and the fib had come so easily, she’d surprised herself. But she took some comfort in knowing her words weren’t totally false. Shehadbeen thinking about Al more than usual and in a more positive way. All she’d done now was exaggerate the truth.
Jon stood up and started pacing to and fro across the rock.
‘I can’t believe I’m hearing this,’ he said accusingly. ‘You told me a few minutes ago I wasn’t in my right mind. Well actually, I think that applies to you. Have you forgotten what you said about Al? His selfishness? The way he was always trying to force himself on you?’
He stared at her with blazing eyes.
‘You’re wrong, Stella. You shouldn’t be with Al. You did the right thing, splitting up. You should be withme.’
Stella swallowed. She’d once told Jon on the phone about Al’s frequent requests for sex, and bitterly regretted it. Jon made it all sound much worse than it really had been.
She and Al used to have a great love life, but she’d gone off physical contact completely when Harriet died, and he simply couldn’t understand. In his eyes, sex and love were the same thing and the more she turned him down, the more desperate and needy he became. He wasn’t an ogre, though, and he certainly never hurt her physically.
Thinking she couldn’t take much more of the conversation, she rose and brushed the bits of shingle off her bottom and thighs.
‘There’s no point talking about this any longer. We’ve both said how we feel. We need to put it behind us.’
Jon, looking pained, opened his mouth to say something else, but she pulled the mask down firmly over her eyes and nose.
‘I’m off to find some fish.’ She walked to the edge of the rock and prepared to jump. ‘Feel free to go to the restaurant with the others. Don’t wait for me. I’ll catch up with you later.’
