‘Oh, Paul,’ she said out loud, feeling a painful tightening in her chest. He’d been kind and apologetic when they’d first separated, but it hadn’t lasted.
She shivered, remembering how he’d turned really nasty as soon as she’d started to mention divorce and money. Cleo’s lawyer had insisted she was entitled to half of just about everything, which had infuriated Paul.
Straight away, he’d begun working on Erica and had somehow managed to persuade her Cleo was being greedy. Nothing Cleo said could make Erica see things from her point of view, though Danny seemed to get it.
In the end, Cleo had settled on less than half of the joint pot, wanting to get the job over and done with. She’d never been interested in revenge, anyway, she’d just wanted enough to live on till she could get back on her feet. Still, Paul claimed she’d taken him to the cleaners and virtually bankrupted him, and Erica believed him.
Cleo’s stomach lurched as she pressed send. It felt a bit like unlocking the scream trapped in her chest, and bracing herself for it to dissolve into cold air, unheard or misunderstood.
Did Erica even think about her mother when she was going about her day? Or was Cleo dead to her, except when rage bubbled up so fiercely she had to let it out?
Cleo didn’t know if Erica could remember one single good thing about her childhood or their relationship. And as they didn’t see each other any more, she couldn’t ask.
Her limbs felt terribly heavy all of a sudden and it was an effort to rise from the bed. Opening one of the wardrobe drawers, she took one look at her new pink bikini, beside a small pile of socks and knickers, and opted instead for her old black swimming costume. It better suited her mood.
On top, she put on the short green towelling sundress she’d bought especially for what had turned out to be her last holiday with Paul. They’d had a week in Mallorca – just the two of them – and as far as she’d been concerned, it had gone well.
It was true, he’d seemed a little distant, but she’d put this down to tiredness and work stress. And they’d made love only once but again, he’d needed to catch up on sleep, and didn’t some of the passion go out of long marriages anyway? Besides, she’d been peri-menopausal and her libido was pretty low. They’d gone on a few beautiful hikes, had some good meals, interesting chats and she’d thought they were more than OK.
She wiped her damp nose with the back of a hand and rubbed her eyes. How wrong she’d been!
She and Tash were dozing side by side next to the pool on sun loungers later in the afternoon when Cleo heard her phone ping. Her eyes sprang open and she grabbed her mobile from her bag. It was a one-line reply from Erica.
I don’t think so. That ship sailed a long time ago.
She was referring to the idea of a mother and daughter holiday.
Cleo stifled a sob and her eyes filled with tears again. She felt like a bird with a broken wing, grounded and aching, unable to move past the pain.
She hoped Tash hadn’t heard her choke, but she was out of luck.
‘Are you OK?’ Tash said for the second time that day, sitting up and staring at Cleo with concern.
Cleo hadn’t intended to speak about Erica, but Tash had such a kind expression, and it wasn’t as if she hadn’t shown her own vulnerable side; in fact, the women had well and truly bonded last night over Tash’s panic attack.
Rolling over, Cleo propped herself up on an elbow. She glanced to the other side of the pool and noticed Maya peering at her over the top of her book, but she ignored her.
‘I’ve just had an upsetting text from my daughter,’ she said. ‘We’ve not been getting on very well recently.’
Tash tipped her head on one side. ‘That’s a shame. Why not?’
Before she knew it, Cleo was telling Tash all about the divorce, how badly Erica had taken it and how she’d not seen her mother for months.
‘But I don’t understand why she’s so angry with you, when it was her dad who had the affair?’ Tash quizzed. ‘It doesn’t make sense.’
Cleo explained Erica was furious with Paul to begin with and wouldn’t speak to him, let alone see him. But about three months after he’d left the family home and moved in with his new girlfriend, he’d told Cleo he’d made a mistake and begged her to take him back. Cleo had said no.
‘It was self-protection really,’ she explained. ‘He’d literally broken my heart and for a while I didn’t know how I’d survive. I knew if I took him back, I’d never be able to trust him again. I’d be forever looking over my shoulder. I just couldn’t put myself through it and I think I did the right thing.
‘I don’t know if he ever told his girlfriend about that conversation with me, but he stayed with her. He’s still with her now. If I’d said yes to him, he’d probably have ended up going back to her anyway. It might have killed me, and it wouldn’t have done the kids any good either.’
‘True,’ Tash agreed. ‘Surely Erica understands, doesn’t she? She must see your point of view?’
Cleo shook her head.
‘She thinks I’ve been cruel, selfish and money-grabbing. Her dad got to her and she believes it was partly – or even mainly – my fault he looked elsewhere in the first place. She also thinks I should have forgiven him.’
Tash raised her eyebrows. ‘Your fault? Why?’
