Chapter 16
Myssa
No words were exchanged on the way to Vix’s, and as much as I’d wanted to ask, wanted to demand, I couldn’t get past the looks on their faces. I’m exhausted from the slew of emotions rushing through me tonight, but as I lay on Vix’s guest bed, staring at the dark ceiling, sleep evades me. I recall the man who was with me on the dance floor and the sense of comfort and protectiveness he’d given me. If he knew about what was happening, would he have been able to protected me from Jasper? From his threats? From his torture? I raise my injured arm and delicately trace the mark Jasper left. His taunting menacing voice replays as I close my eyes for a moment.
“You’re in my realm now.” His words were so confident, so bold.
I shudder at the memory. What if he was right? What if this hell I keep slipping into is not of my own making? What if this place truly exists? My eyes open and focus again on the constant fucking reminder on my arm that I’m now forced to look at daily. A reminder that my mind is either breaking down, or that this is real, and I have no idea how to handle it. Neither choice is a win, is it? Neither one I want to accept. My vision blurs, and the firstof several tears stream silently down my face. I don’t want to be insane, so is it wrong to want this to be real? To want to grasp on to something tangible, as opposed to a delusion?
Not wanting to fester in these thoughts anymore, I wipe my eyes and reluctantly get up. The dark shades of purple and grey on the walls render it almost impossible for me to make my way across the room. I move slowly with the anticipation that I will kick something or stub my toe, but manage to make it to the door and gently pad through the hallway.
As I reach Vix’s room, the illumination from her cracked door lets me peer through, wondering if she’s still awake. This is all weighting too heavily on my mind, and I need to talk to someone. I know she knows something, but at this point, I just need my friend. I need her to help me understand. I curl my fingers around the door and peek in. The green LED lights give the room a soft glow, and her chalkboard wall is full of new artwork she’s drawn since the last time I was here. The adjacent wall is painted a dark color and is full of cutouts of industrial bands, goth designed clothing, and real accessories she has glued to paper to give it a more 3D appeal. Pictures of us, Knox, and other friends hang in odd angles across on the wall above her bed.
Vix is sitting up in bed with her legs crossed. Her hair hangs down across her shoulders, her face free of makeup, and her eyes closed. Is shemeditating? Hesitantly, I call her name quietly, but she doesn’t move. I walk closer, and notice she has her EarPods in.
“Vix?” I call a little louder, but she still doesn’t budge.
I lean over and gently shake her knee to let her know I am here. Her eyes flick open, and she blankly stares ahead. I jolt upright as I examine her, waving my hand in front of her face, but she doesn’t acknowledge me. I move closer as catcha shimmer reflecting in her irises. She blinks and jerks back, snapping her up at me.
“Geez, Myssa, you scared the shit out of me,” she says, clutching her heaving chest. She turns, grabbing the light remote and switches the lights from green to white.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t sleep.” I study her for a minute. Her eyes seem different, but maybe it was just the reflection of green lights.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, her brows furrowing.
“Nothing,” I say, shaking my head, but my emotions get the better of me. “Everything!” I confess, my voice cracking as the first tear falls.
Her face softens, and she moves over, patting the empty space next to her. I crawl in as she reaches over to her nightstand and grabs the box of tissues, handing it to me.
“Thank you,” I say, sniffling. Now that I’m sitting here, I’m not sure what to confess, or what to ask.
“Am I crazy?” I blurt out, looking at her for some kind of confirmation. This state of limbo is the most uneasy feeling to sit in. I just need something, a morsel of truth, to keep me from continually losing my shit. Vix puts her arm around me, and I lean my head on her shoulder.
“No, I don’t think you're crazy.” She sighs. “But I also don’t think I am the best person to explain any of this.”
I pull back, studying her.
“Why not?” I inquire, pulling a tissue out to wipe my eyes, as I wait for an answer.
“Look, Myssa, losing Nik was catastrophic for you. Knox and I watched you isolate from us and close yourself from the outside world. Tonight, you unpacked a confession you’ve been holding onto for a long time. You know how terrible I am with feelings and pep talks. Knox will call you tomorrow, and he’ll be able to help you more than I can.”
I chuckle a little at the admission and put my head back on her shoulder.
“I mean, you’re not wrong.” I shrug.
“Hey!” she says as she playfully pushes me away.
I turn to look at her and curl up, leaning my chin on my knees.
“I’m scared.” The admittance escapes before I can take the words back. All this time, I’ve never given into the feelings that I believed were a weakness. I close my eyes, trying to tamp down the tears that are trying to escape again. I feel Vix’s hand on mine.
“Myssa, I’ve got you,” she says sternly giving my hand a squeeze. “I have your back, no matter what happens, ok?”
As I lift up my head, my eyes meet hers, and the conviction of her word’s soothes me. I nod my head in understanding.
“Now!” she commands. “Enough of this, let’s go eat those leftovers.”. She holds out her hand to help me up, and I take it. She leads me towards the door, but stops abruptly leveling me with a serious expression.
“I have dibs on Knox’s crapes.” A sly smile spreads across her face.
