“Yes. I do.”
“Yeah, from what little I know of you, taking on an impossible task where you have no experience is right on brand.”
He kicks his shoes off and leans back on the twin bed, tucking his hands behind his head while I perch on the edge with both feet on the ground. He’s so easy and comfortable. It reminds me of why I followed him from the bar a month ago, and why I almost forgot to use a condom.
I put a hand on his thigh, his muscle hard beneath his jeans. “I’m sorry about all this, Fitz. I know it’s a lot to dump on you. Sounds like you’ve got plenty going on in your life without me complicating things.”
He sits up and looks at me. His eyes are soft, his expression sober. His hand comes up, and he smooths my hair. It’s a strange juxtaposition, his gruff exterior and the soft gesture.
“Don’t apologize. I’m responsible as much as you are.”
I nod. “I appreciate you wanting to step up. Really. You’re a good guy, Fitz. But do you want to take your time and think about it? It’s taken me a good week to get my brain around everything, and I’m still pretty freaked out. I still haven’t told my sisters or anyone at work. I don’t know what to say.”
He covers my hand with his. “Yeah. Yes. I need to process the reality of it, but not because I’m contemplating walking away. I know that in my gut. Somehow, I think that life doesn't present you with opportunities you can't handle. Maybe this is our opportunity to create a spectacular life for a new little human.”
An unexpected lump forms in my throat, and it takes me a moment to swallow. There’s also the need to breathe.
“I used to help out with my sisters when they were young, so I'm not totally in the dark with a kid. But I'm not moving up here, and I can only really get away from my job two days a week to work on the ranch and the renovations. So I don't want you having any illusions that suddenly we're gonna be all cute riding on one horse together.”
As I say the words, the image of us riding with a tiny baby sandwiched between us does something unexpected to my heart. It swells and aches in a way that tells me I need to tread carefully with Fitz. He could not have made it more clear that he doesn’t want a relationship. I quickly rein in those wandering thoughts.
He flips my hand over and interlaces our fingers. It feels right, like something we do every day. Like something we’ve done a hundred times before.
Rein. It. In.
“I heard everything you said about your career, and I respect that you want to do something here with the ranch. Adding a child into the mix isn’t going to be easy, but…” He blows out a long breath and throws up his hands. “I’m good with horses and cattle. Maybe that’ll help with a baby.”
I roll my eyes. “I don’t think it’s exactly the same.” I stand and hobble my way around the room because I can't understand how this man who just found out I'm going to change his life is rolling with it so easily. Cupping the sides of my head with both hands, I stare at him. “How is this not freaking you out?” I practically shout, not bothering to keep exactly how freaked out I am from my voice.
He blinks a few times, and I wonder if he heard the question. Then his hand rakes down his face, leaving an expression that looks nothing like the cocky, smirky cowboy he’s shown me so far. Worry lines streak his forehead and anguish plagues his eyes. Like he’s being honest for the first time. Like the mask has been torn away.
“It is.” The soft rumble of his voice has a vulnerability I haven’t heard before. “Of course it is. I’ve been trying to put on a brave face, but…Jesus…I don’t know how to be a dad, let alone a good one. I didn’t exactly have the best role model.”
It’s the first time I’ve seen the stoic façade slip, and I’m grateful for the honesty but also a little afraid because his earlierease was settling my own nerves. A muscle in his cheek twitches, and he keeps doing that slow unnerving blinking like he’s hoping this whole situation is a figment of his imagination.
“I don’t know much about fatherly role models, but you seem to do a good job of taking care of people around here. That says a lot,” I offer.
Fitz presses his lips together, seemingly unconvinced.
“A lot of people don’t have great dad role models and they figure it out.”
“All I know is the kind of dad I don’t want to be.” He spits out the words like he hates their taste in his mouth.
“It’s a start.” I shrug.
“Are we crazy?” he asks. “Is there anything about this that makes sense?”
I stop pacing and let out a long breath. “I don’t know. Maybe not…Maybe?”
His choked laugh almost sounds like a sob. “Come on, Duchess. That wouldn’t convince a jury.”
I deflate and shake my head. “Speaking of that. I know I’ve made this big deal about how I’m this hotshot city lawyer who’s going to throw out your lawsuit so fast it will make your head hurt, but you might as well know that I’m just a regular old lawyer. I’m not even a partner. Though I wasn’t lying when I said I had ideas that could help you.”
I stop moving and stand in front of him. I shouldn’t admit this, shouldn’t tell him I’ve never tried my own case in court before. When I look over, I see the first hint of a smile in a while. “So are you even a real lawyer? Or do you just play one on TV?”
“Oh, so everyone from LA is an actor? Is that what you think?” I pluck a pillow from the bed and chuck it at him.
“It’s an expression, Duchess. If you’re going to raise a kid with me, you should learn my sense of humor.”
