She blinks at me. “Like how much longer?”
“As long as you can.”
“You mean a few more weeks?”
I start pacing the room. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought it through. I just like having you here.”
Tessa smiles, but it seems forced and painful. “This isn’t real.”
At first, I don’t know what she means. Everything in the room looks pretty real to me. Her, me, Charlotte. I shake my head, confused. Tessa comes over to where I’m about to take another lap and stops me, standing toe-to-toe.
“We have a child together. We have a physical connection. I know you like me, but you can’t let me in. You have a lot going on in your life with Chad and whatever demons you’re chasing from your past, and I get that, but Fitz, your walls are so high I can’t get past them.”
“I’ve told you about Chad. And the other stuff…my demons…it’s stuff that taught me a lesson, how to be a better man for both of you.”
“I’d rather you just be yourself.” She cups my cheeks in her hands, and I’m mesmerized by the clear focus in her pale-blue eyes. But I hate what they’re saying—she doesn’t want me. “I so badly want us to be closer, but you keep pushing me out. I want to be there when you have a rough night with Chad, or even the next morning, but you won’t let me.”
“That’s not something I want you or Charlotte to have to share with me.”
“Even if I want to be here for you?”
“Even then.”
She looks like I’ve punched her in the gut, and I wish I wasn’t the cause of her pain, but that’s the fucking way it is right now. I’m just as bad as Chad, slashing and burning through people’s feelings and leaving only wreckage in their wake. I don’t deserve her.
“You’re right.” I grit out the words, hating myself. “I guess it’s time for you to go.”
Why can't you let yourself have this?
I just can't. I can't ask for it, and I don't think I deserve it. Not when I can't figure out how to take care of my brother and my own family. I've made a mess of things there, so I don't really have a leg to stand on in convincing Tessa that I can do better with her. I may not be able to say it to her, but there's no point in pretending I don't know what I'm feeling.
I love her. I absolutely love her. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
CHAPTER 30
Tessa
Hannah standsin Charlotte's room, rocking the baby in her arms and cooing to her, as I remember her doing right after Dex was born. “Oh, I miss this so much,” she says.
“I bet.” I sit in the rocking chair, worn out from patchy sleep, round-the-clock feedings, and my still-hefty workload.
Hannah sings to Charlotte, making up a tune with her words and rocking her to the rhythm. “I love this little baby. I love the way she smells. I love everything about her.”
My eyes droop, and Hannah’s laughter startles me awake. “Isn't it crazy how you could think you know how it feels to be tired and then there’s this whole other level?”
I nod.
“But it goes hand in hand with the love. Did you ever think you could love a person as much as this?”
“I, um…” I stammer, not ready to admit how much it hurts to fall in love with a guy who doesn’t even know it. Then I realize she’s talking about Charlotte. “Oh yes, completely. I love her with all my heart.”
But I love him too. And I miss him.
The extra strain of caring for a newborn and juggling my work schedule has made it nearly impossible to get up to the ranch during the week. I’ve hired a part-time nanny and shifted some of my hours so I can work remotely, but all that means is I’m burning the candle at both ends.
Sure, women can do it all, but can we do it all at the same time?
The renovation is at a standstill because I don’t have time to meet with the contractor, which means he can’t bring in his subcontractors.
