“Yes.” No hesitation. “And it’s so screwed up because the one fear I’ve always had was that I’d never find love. And the one thing I never considered was that I might find it with a guy who doesn’t love me back.” Tears appear from nowhere, and suddenly I’m choking back a sob.
“He loves you. He just can’t allow himself to open up. Those are two different things.”
“They might as well be the same.”
Hannah tilts her head to the side, unconvinced. “Would you move up there to be with him?”
“I’d seriously consider it.” My answer comes out so definitively and so quickly that it surprises even me. “But where? He can’t leave his ranch and the town and live here. And I don’t belong in a small town when I have a career and family here.”
She shrugs, seemingly unconvinced. “People move for much flimsier reasons than love. You’re a parent now. Time to take the bigger risks in life because this isn’t only about you. If it turns out you two could give Charlotte a family in one place, wouldn’t you want that for your daughter?”
“Yes.” When it comes to Charlotte, I feel brave.
“So think about what you want and don’t be afraid to ask for it. You've always been the responsible one in the family, and you take care of everyone before you take care of yourself. Maybe you’re trying too hard to take care of what he needs at the expense of what you need.”
I nod. “You’re right about all that, but also about knowing what I need.” I move from the armchair to the couch and pull a throw blanket off the corner. I unfold it and stretch my legs out.
My eyes are closed before I finish my thought.
“And right now I need to take a nap.”
CHAPTER 31
Fitz
Two WeeksLater
The whinnyof a horse stops me from where I've been hand spraying a winding hedge of rosemary whose roots aren’t pulling enough water from the ground.
I stand and turn to see Chad trotting up on his horse from the paddocks. He must have stopped by there to visit Dolly, which makes me happy for Dolly.
“How'd you get through the gate?” I shout over the sound of the water.
“Are you kidding me? I've known the combination forever.” He slows to a walk, dismounts, and leads his horse to a shady spot beneath some lemon trees. Grabbing a carrot from his pocket, he offers it to his horse, who snaps it from his hand with a snort. “You do know I come here when you're not here, right?”
I nod and aim the spray nozzle at a different hedge, which looks equally dry. It reminds me of the day Tessa and I werebathing the horses, and I sprayed us with water. Everything reminds me of her.
“Nice little appendage you've got there. What is she, about a month old?” He points at where I'm carrying Charlotte on my chest in a little baby carrier. It’s my week with the baby, and Tessa is at Loveland. They’re about to start demo on the back half of the ranch house, where the new construction will be.
“Six weeks. Yeah, she’s napping, and I can get some work done. Gotta multitask.”
“Oh yeah. You’re the king. What would we all do around here without you?” Sarcasm drips from his voice, and I'm not really sure why he seems annoyed with me when I've barely even seen him in a week. I turn off the hose.
“Why’re you making that sound like a bad thing?”
He presses his fist against his mouth and looks at the ground as though he’s trying to physically hold in his words until he can’t anymore. “You’re kidding, right? You don’t see the false image you’ve got going where you’re out there doing the Lord's work while the rest of us dummies make a mess of our lives? Those of us who aren’t as good at ‘multitasking.’” He puts the last word in air quotes
“This again?” I ask. “I’m pretty sure multitasking isn’t your issue.”
“Oh, I have plenty of issues. Going to see a mediator next week to figure out how to divide up my assets with Karen.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. And that’s not what I meant.”
His tone is sharp. “I know what you meant. The drinking. I guess it was bound to take me down eventually.”
I nod, relieved that he’s saying the words out loud, but sad that he seems resigned to his marriage falling apart. “You say it like you don’t have a choice in the matter. You okay with letting your marriage end?”
“What do you think?”
