“The fire. Of anyone I’ve ever known, you were the one I banked on always having it together. Look at you. The whole town respects what you have to say enough to stake their future on a Hail Mary lawsuit against a giant company. That’s the guy I always looked up to. And now that you have a chance at a family of your own, you’re half-assing it. Pretending you don’t want more.”
“Oh, you see it all so clearly? Sorry if it’s hard for me to believe that when I'm the one who gets the late-night phone call that you're looking at the bottom of the bottle as a coping mechanism.”
“Fuck off. It'smycoping mechanism.”
“Not when it affects other people,” I say, feeling my hands clench into fists. It's not like I’d really hit my brother, but I find myself having to tamp down the instinct.
“Maybe you ought to look a little closer to home for your own problems to solve,” he says quietly. The creases in his forehead make him look older than he is, and I wonder if people would say the same about me, especially now that I’m short on sleep. I look down at Charlotte, still sleeping peacefully in the stroller, while my pulse thunders in my veins, and I feel like anything but a calm cocoon. I run a hand over the soft wisps of hair and kiss the top of her head.
“Don't you think I'm doing that? I'm busting my ass trying to figure out how to get water for this damn land, which you're a part owner of. This is for your future as well as mine. And I don't see you doing a damn thing to help me.”
“Because you won't let me.” He flings his arms to the sides like he’s ridding himself of me and everything associated with me. “Admit it. You don't think I'm capable. I've always been a fuck up in your eyes, and now that this stuff is going down with Karen for real, all it does is prove that you were right all along.” He paces in a circle, winding himself up even more.
“Well, I've had enough of it. I can make my own damn decisions, and some of them are bound to be good ones.”
“You think I don’t know what you can do if you actually try?” I ask. “That’s what kills me when I see you wasting your nights drinking until you can’t see straight. You’re so smart Chad, so fucking smart. But you’re wasting it.”
He yanks a lemon off a tree and throws it. We both watch it disappear into the deep grass. “How did I become such a goddamn albatross?”
“You’re not.”
“I’m just like Dad.”
“Nope. He never tried to fix his issues. He just let them bleed out all over everyone else. I’m not gonna do that.”
“Maybe he couldn’t.”
I close my eyes to block out the memories. “It’s hard to believe that…”
“You don’t know until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes.”
“You feel like you know him better since you have the same affliction?”
He looks down at the dirt and kicks it with the toe of his boot. “Drinking wasn’t a way of connecting with him, if that’s what you’re asking.” He inhales deeply and meets my gaze. “At least,not consciously. I never wanted to be like him. Ruining people’s lives.”
My heart cracks open hearing the way he thinks about himself. He’s never verbalized anything like this before. His wife has never threatened to leave him before, though.
“You’re not?—”
He stops me with a hand in my face. It’s like seeing my own hand. Strength in his grip, itching to wrap around a firearm and defend the law. I’m sure it embarrasses him to be a security guard, but he’s never said as much. I’ve never asked.
So much we’ve let fester between us by going through the motions instead of getting honest.
“I’m not afraid to admit what I am. An alcoholic. It’s time to work this shit out, if nothing else, so you can stop using me as an excuse for why you’re not happy.”
I flinch at the accusation. “That’s?—”
“Stop. Come up with a real excuse or stop fucking up your life. I saw you two together, the way you look at each other. The kind of love I used to have with Karen before I fucked everything up. If there’s a chance for you to have it too, go after it. Go hard. Make sure she knows you’re all in. I don’t want to be the one standing in your way, so maybe you’re out of obstacles.”
“You let this woman you're crazy about walk away and raise your child away from you half the time. You let her live two hours away from here even though it makes you miserable every minute of the goddamn day. It’s. So. Fucking. Obvious. If you're not willing to take charge and do something about that, how can you expect people in this town to listen to what you have to say when you pretend you know better? Why should I listen?”
“Wow, tell me how you really feel.”
“That's it. That's how I feel. I feel like I need to sort out my shit, but maybe you need to sort yours more.” He looks fragile,even a little shaky saying the words, and I can tell that part of his anger is sadness and part is fear. I can relate.
I take a long inhale and let my breath out slowly, willing my anger at his insinuations to subside. He’s only speaking the truth, after all. I’m the one who’s bullheaded enough to think I could get away with no one noticing.
“I’m not gonna wait until I hit bottom and take you and Karen down with me. I’m gonna get the help I need now and hope to god it sticks.” He takes in a deep breath and blows it out, puffing up his cheeks. It almost feels like he’s stalling or doesn’t know what the next sentence needs to be.
