“It's mutual,” I say. You all, this town…it’s given me back my love for practicing law.”
Amid the hubbub of neighbors burying old grudges over water, we find a chance to slip away and walk across the street to the bench where Fitz found me nervously pacing before my opening argument.
We walk a little farther down the street until the chatter outside the courthouse fades into the distance. Instead of quiet, I notice all of the sounds of Willow Springs that have come to feel like home to me over the months I’ve been coming here—the quiet chirp of birds, water in a tiled fountain, the distant whinny of a horse. I even catch a whiff of Maria’s tamales.
When I turn toward Fitz, I find him gazing at me with a patient, relaxed smile. He crosses his arms and nods. “You are so fucking impressive. Not to mention funny, smart, gorgeous…I don’t know how I got so lucky to have you in my life—I sure as hell don’t deserve you—but I’m smart enough to keep you because it’s necessary. Because I love you so fucking much.”
I can feel my blush burnish my cheeks and neck. I wish those words meant more than what we currently have together. I wish so many things were different, but how can they be when we’re still in the same place as always?
But I smile at Fitz and stand on my toes to kiss his lips. “Thank you. I think I’ll keep you too.”
“Mean it, though,” he says.
“I do.”
“No, really mean it. Like how about we do it for real?”
The vulnerability in his face tears me up. I can’t keep pretending I don’t love him. What’s the damn point, even if our lives don’t make sense together?
“Of course, I love you too, Fitz. I do. I have for months.” The relief on his face disappears as soon as I continue with the truth. “But nothing’s changed. I still want to be with someone who canlet me in, and I don’t think you’re capable of that. It’s okay, and I don’t blame you. It’s just the way things are.”
I can’t say more because it’s too painful. I feel words and emotions choke in my throat, and I don’t want to cry right now. I need to do that alone.
So I turn to walk away.
CHAPTER 34
Fitz
“Stay.”
All I can muster is the one word, but it's enough to make Tessa freeze in place.
“What?” she asks, turning.
“Stay, please. With me. Here.”
I don't know why my words are coming out like commands to a dog, but at least they're coming out, finally.
“For how long?” She looks at her sisters, who nod and file past us. Hazel puts a hand on my forearm and nods. Grandma Ann pushes Charlotte in her stroller, and Hannah signals to me with a raised hand and a pointed finger that she’ll take care of our daughter.
“Forever,” I say, as they move down the block, all talking over each other like they do. “Stay in Willow Springs for as long as you can. Stay forever.”
“Fitz, what?” She looks so confused that I take her hand and pull her away from the middle of the sidewalk so people can pass by. We stand under the awning of a pizza place while I figureout exactly what else to say. My thoughts are still a jumble in my head, but I know that if I don't at least articulate some version of them now, I might never get another chance.
“Give me a couple of minutes to explain.” I walk us down to the donut place at the end of the block. Fortunately, no one is there, so we grab a table in front, and I present my case, hoping it sounds half as coherent and convincing as she did when Tessa laid out her facts for the judge.
“I don't want you to go back to LA. I want you to stay here. I want you to live here with me.”
She still looks confused, and I wonder if I can make it any clearer than that.
“Fitz, think about what you’re saying. Do you only want me to move here at this moment because you’re grateful that I won the case? You still have all the same stresses in your life. And I know how hard it is with Chad.” She looks so weary that I realize what a bad job I've done of letting her know how I feel all these past months.
Of course I have, because I was afraid of her reaction.
“Chad is in rehab.”
Her eyes widen. “Really? Why didn’t you tell me?” Then she nods, digesting another piece of evidence that I’m closed off.
