"Maybe. Or maybe he's just terrified and needs space to work through it."
"How much time?"
"I don't know. As much as he needs." She pauses. "But I don't think he'll reject you. Not after everything you've been through together. Not when he's been working so hard to rebuild trust."
"You didn't see his face, Tash. The absolute devastation when I said the word pregnant. Like I'd stabbed him."
"Because you triggered his trauma. His son died, Val. His infant son was murdered, and he has a traumatized child on his hands. Now you're telling him there's another baby to potentially lose. That's not your fault, but it's reality. He needs time to reconcile what he wants with what he's terrified of."
I press my hand to my stomach. To the tiny life growing there that might cost me the man I love.
"What do I do?"
"You wait. You give him the space he asked for. And you trust that the man who's been fighting to forgive you, who's let you into his life despite the betrayal, who makes love to you like you're precious even when he's still angry, that man won't abandon you now."
"And if you're wrong?"
"Then we'll figure it out. You and me. We'll make a plan. But I don't think I'm wrong, Val. I think he's just scared. And scared men need time to find their courage."
We talk for another twenty minutes. Her voice steady and reassuring while mine shakes with uncertainty.
When we hang up, I'm still on the floor. Still waiting for a knock that doesn't come.
I crawl into bed eventually. Still wearing clothes. Still crying sporadically. Still listening for footsteps that never arrive.
He doesn't come to bed that night.
Doesn't come to check on me.
Doesn't come at all.
And I lie there in the dark wondering if this is how it ends. Not with Patrick's bullet or a final betrayal, but with news of new life driving us apart because the fear of loss is stronger than the possibility of love.
I fall asleep alone with my hand on my stomach and terror in my heart.
Tomorrow I'll face whatever decision Lev has made.
Tomorrow I'll find out if we survive this or if the baby breaks us completely.
Tomorrow the future becomes clear.
But tonight, I'm just alone in the dark with my fear and my hope tangled so tightly I can't tell them apart anymore.
And the life growing inside me that might be a blessing or a curse depending on whether Lev can find the courage to choose us.
Please choose us, I think into the darkness. Please don't let fear win.
But I have no way of knowing if my silent plea will be answered.
All I can do is wait.
And hope.
Chapter twenty-six
Lev
Ican't breathe.
