And I couldn’t shake the feeling that once Caleb learned the truth, this would be the last time he’d want to be anywhere near me.
“Can I ask about Sean?” His hand was still holding mine, our arms still swinging gently. But something shifted in the air between us.
“I wouldn’t know where to start.”
“I’m curious how you’ve never been on a date, even though you two lived together.”
I swallowed the thick ball of regret threatening to choke me. “Promise not to judge?”
“What kind of crappy friend would I be if I judged you?”
I hated this story. But maybe telling it was one step closer to telling the truth. Maybe if Caleb heard who I really was, he’d decide friends was more than enough.
“We never dated. The first time I met him, I was working in a club back in Calgary. An upscale place, constantly filled with rich assholes who thought money could buy access to anything they wanted. That’s how I met him. He was there practically every night for months.”
Thinking about it, his constant presence in a club should have been the first warning sign.
“Everyone knew who he was. There were all these rumors about him—most of them bullshit, but when you’re surrounded by it every night, lines blur.”
Our stride slowed, his attention rapt.
“I was struggling. Money was everywhere around me, and I was desperate. I wanted out.”
“Out?”
“Out of a life that was going nowhere. I’d just ended another disastrous relationship. I’d moved back into a rented shack with my parents who were temporarily back together. They acted like they were doing me a favor, but I was the only one with a steady job. I felt like my dreams were on hold because they’d never grown up. I needed out of that. And you know…desperation breeds stupidity.”
“Zadie—”
“You wanted to know. Let me finish.” My voice was a hell of a lot harder than I felt. “One of the rumors was that Sean was interested in me. So I flirted. Talked to him every night. Wore shorter skirts, higher heels. Tried to hustle him for bigger tips.”
God, even the words tasted vile. “He noticed me. Made me feel special. Sweet-talked me. And then we had sex in the alley behind the bar.”
Caleb’s hand tightened around mine, but he didn’t interrupt.
“We did it again the next night, in the bathroom. And then every night after that, wherever we could. That’s all we ever had. Sex.”
He stopped walking. Our joined hands pulled me up short, and he turned to face me. “But you said he begged you to move to Montreal. That he was in love with you.”
“He did. But I think he was fooling himself. And honestly, he didn’t have to beg that hard.”
“He sounds like a fucking asshole.” His words weren’t full of hurt or even pity. They were just a cold, flat assessment, delivered through a clenched jaw.
“He is. But this is what I’m trying to tell you. I was pathetic. You picked up on the kind of person he is without even meeting him. I lived with the man and was completely clueless.”
“You’re not pathetic.” His voice was firm. “Wanting to believe in someone doesn’t make you pathetic. It makes you human.”
“A human who makes terrible choices.”
“A human who survived them.” He squeezed my hand again. “It’s your turn.”
“My turn for what?”
“To ask me something.”
“Cal.” I shifted under the weight of his gaze. “There’s something else I need to tell you.”
His shoulders went rigid, and something painful flickered across his features before he forced it away. “Can it wait?”
