Just… something. Like I’ve been holding my breath around him for two years and only now noticed the air’s getting thinner.
I turn toward my dorm, walking slower than usual and pausing at the fork in the path where Dmitri always leaves me. He’s never once walked me to my building or come inside my dorm. Hell, I don’t even think he knows where I live.
I’ve always wanted to ask him why.
The sun is dipping lower on the horizon, casting long shadows across the grass as I approach my building. I stop to soak in the warmth for a few more moments, and pull out my phone. A new text alert pops up, and I click it so fast, I don’t even catch who it’s from.
Disappointment hits me hard and fast when it’s only a reminder about tomorrow’s exam, even though I know I shouldn’t expect to hear from Dmitri this soon. He’s with Jaden, and he probably already has him tucked under his arm. They’re already chatting and laughing about something private.
Something I’m not part of.
I climb the stairs to the third floor and escape into my dorm, then close the door behind me as my nervous energy makes me pace the room. I check my phone again like a damn junkie, scrolling through our long text message chain until I find the last selfie hesent me. He’s smiling broadly, pointing at the newest sticker he added to his keyboard case.
My weird mood settles and I smile back at the still image of him, but then I imagine him giving that same smile to Jaden in the corner of some restaurant, or while they dance under the dim lights of the show.
I drop onto the edge of my bed with my elbows on my knees, staring at the floor like it might give me a straight answer. The image keeps replaying: Dmitri’s hand on Jaden’s lower back, the way he’d lean in to murmur something funny, and how Jaden would tip his head back and laugh in his loud, tinkling way.
The same genuine laugh Dmitri usually pulls out of me on a good day.
Except this time it’snotme.
My stomach twists, and I press the heel of my hand against it like I can shove the feeling back where it came from. It’s not jealousy. It can’t be. We’re friends. Best friends. That doesn’t turn into… whatever this is supposed to be, just because he’s out with someone else.
Right?
But the thought of him smiling that private, sideways smile at Jaden instead of me makes my throat tighten. The image of his arm slung casually around Jaden’s shoulders, of Jaden knowing what his laugh sounds like up close, ofJadengetting the version ofDmitri I’ve always thought was… well,minein some stupid, unspoken way—
I freeze.
Mine?
The word echoes in my head like a wrong note. Too loud, too wrong.
No.
That’s not how you think about a friend.
That’s notnormal.
Friends don’t feel their chest cave in at the idea of someone else getting the pieces they’ve always claimed without ever saying it out loud. Friends don’t notice the way his eyes crinkle when he’s really happy, or the way his voice drops when he’s tired, or the way his hands flex as they tap rhythms against the tabletop.
I drag a hand through my hair, tugging hard enough to hurt as I try to shake the thought loose. It’s just… protectiveness. Or habit. Or the fact that he’s been my constant for two years and the idea of someone else sliding into that space feels off.
It’s temporary weirdness. That’s all.
Except right now, it doesn’tfeeltemporary.
It feels like it’s been waiting for me to notice it.
I stare at the closed door, pulse loud in my ears.
This isn’t… I mean, I’mnot…
Am I?
The question sits there, small and terrifying, and refuses to disappear. I wait for the usual denial to rush in and smother it, but it only half-comes. The rest of me is too busy remembering the exact shade of his eyes when he smiles just for me. It’s fighting every instinct that screams otherwise, trying to figure out why it hurts so much to picture him smiling that way at someone else.
I glance at my phone like I might will it to ring, fighting this sinking realization that he’s so wrapped up in his date he isn't even thinking of me. He’s there, and I’m here, wondering if he secretly wishes I would disappear so he could focus on what actually matters.
