Alice laughs. ‘No doubt. You make it look very easy.’
‘For me, becoming a mum was something I knew in my bones I’d love to do one day, if I was lucky enough to. I’m aware that not everyone feels the same way though. I’ve been listening to a fascinating podcast about women who’ve decided not to have kids for whatever reason.’
‘You’ll have to give me the name of it,’ Alice says, leaning into the conversation. ‘For so long motherhood has been seen as the ultimate achievement for a woman and it’s just bollocks, isn’t it? What about career success? Or opting out for ecological reasons? Or just simply not being maternal? It really annoys me when motherhood is seen as the defining feature of being a woman.’
‘You should definitely listen to this podcast then,’ Ellie says.
And I guess I have my answer. I know that we’ve made huge progress today. Alice is officially my girlfriend which is something I’ve wanted for a while now. Still, as lucky as I feel, I can’t help but worry that I want a family one day and maybe she doesn’t.
Mini-Break
Alice
‘He is definitely no alpha,’ I say as Nat throws an assortment of miniature shampoos into my travel bag. I’ve been thinking back to Zach’s teenage comics at lunch last weekend and Captain Zach the Brainiac may be my favourite thing about him. Each black and white square of the adorable comics was filled with images of his anime alter ego being super cute. Not fighting dragons or rescuing princesses or any other misogynistic crap. His cartoon character had superpowers like standing up for the kid getting bullied in class, or whisking grannies in care homes off on fun adventures, or building massive dens for him to store his comic collection.I mean.
‘A soft bro,’ she nods knowingly.
‘A what?’
‘It’s the opposite of an alpha. Let’s take a look at the evidence. Is Zach charming?’
‘Yes.’
‘Sensitive?’
‘Definitely yes.’
‘Thoughtful and into talking about his feelings?’
‘Yes and yes.’
‘Classic soft bro, babes.’
‘Is that a good thing?’
Nat rolls her eyes good-naturedly. ‘What do you think? Remember Jake? Every time one of his mates had a break-up they’d go out “celebrating” with a night on the lash. They’d be necking shots and eyeing up women in bodycon like the emotionally stunted fuckboys they truly were. The kind of men who’d suggest a few “brewskis” after work.’
Brewskis. I cover my hands with my ears.
‘Toxic, the lot of them,’ she says.
‘I’m sensing you still feel a bit raw, Nat.’
She considers this. ‘It’s more that I’m annoyed with myself. Why did I dedicate a chunk of my twenties to putting up with that behaviour? Jake was a boisterous dickhead and I went along with it. Worse than that, I actually wanted to spend my life with him. I should have listened when you voiced your concerns right from the start. But I dismissed them because you weren’t looking for a partner so you didn’t get it, or that’s what I thought. Turns out that none of that mattered, anyway. It was his character that was the problem, not the circumstances.’
‘Oh love, don’t be hard on yourself. Jake was a fool but he did have a certain charm and it seemed like you were happy.’
‘That’s the worst bit. I was happy. I thought being with the man who’d buy drinks for the entire pub when he hit his work targets was the height of sophistication. The man who’d deliberately order the steak when we ate out with vegan friends just to be provocative. What was I thinking?’
‘When you’re in it, you can’t alwaysseeit. You’ve been able to step away and get some major clarity this summer, Nat. The guys you’ve been seeing lately have been so different to Jake, I guess it’s opened up a whole new world.’
‘All right, Katie Price,’ she laughs.
‘Shut up. I’d obviously be Peter Andre.’
‘Har har. You’re right though, it’s been nice to get some perspective.’
‘So which lucky man are you seeing while I’m away this weekend?’
