‘It’s fine,’ he says. ‘I’m very aware that I had a fortunate upbringing in so many ways. Mum and Dad’s cold approach to parenting was more than made up for by Nonna. But she was in Italy and Raff and I kind of became each other’s emotional support. I feel very lucky to have him and his family, now. I would love to have that for myself one day.’
With my head now on his chest, I can hear Zach’s heart beating faster while mine feels like it has stopped still. This setting is so perfect for romantic declarations of love, for promises of future lives shared. The house. The kids. Suddenly I can hear Natalie’s words when she was reeling from her split with Jake echoing around in my mind. How her main source of heartbreak was that she felt like their future of monogamy, marriage and multiple children had been stolen from her.
That feeling of being on the edge of freaking out rears its ugly head again, only this time I’m too close to the edge. My stomach lurches as I realise that I can’t stop myself from falling.
And I panic.
My heart rate shoots up and I can feel it pumping against my ribcage. My palms are clammy and the walls are closing in around me. Zach shifts, sensing the mood change.
‘Are you okay?’
‘Just a bit hot,’ I mutter. ‘I’m going to grab some fresh air. You stay.’ I pull on my shoes and rush outside.
I’m pacing up and down the jetty, oblivious to the rain blasting my face and soaking my top through to the skin. I’m too busy trying to get my breathing straight. In. Out. In. Out. With every steadying breath I can feel my heart-rate begin to settle but the questions in my mind won’t follow suit.
What are you doing, Alice? You don’t date. And now you’re in a relationship with the ultimate romantic who split up with his ex hours before you met and who wants a family one day.
Am I messing with his emotions as much as my own? And if so, why? Suddenly I feel like I’ve got us both into such a mess. I tip my head up to face the rain and cry.
‘Alice? It’s getting late. Are you okay?’ Zach looks full of concern as he steps outside.
‘I’m fine,’ I sniff. ‘Just needed some space.’
‘You’re soaked,’ he says tenderly.
‘I don’t mind,’ I say with as much of a smile as I can muster. ‘Honestly, you head back in. I’ll be in soon.’
But I stay in the rain trying to gather myself together. Later, when I see that he’s turned all but one of the lights off, I tiptoe back indoors, slipping into bed next to him.
‘Hey,’ he says sleepily, his arm reaching around me in a way that feels so familiar now.
‘Night, Zach,’ I whisper, knowing I’m shutting him down and feeling bad for doing it. I turn my back to him and pretend to fall asleep.
After a predictably sleepless night, I’m up at dawn, creeping out of bed and throwing my things into my travel bag. I wash my face as quietly as I can and slink back into the bedroom, pulling on some clothes when Zach starts to stir. The duvet’s half kicked off his body and his hair’s all messed up. I feel a visceral pull towards him but I push it back down. I need some space and I need it now.
‘Morning,’ he says, sitting up. ‘Why are you dressed? I was hoping we could spend the day in bed together.’ He stretches out his arms for a hug but I move away.
‘I can’t, I need to leave.’
His smile fades and he’s looking at me with concern and confusion.
‘I’m so sorry but I’m going to have to go,’ I say, feeling like an idiot as I zip my toothbrush into my cosmetics bag.
‘Alice, please don’t. I don’t understand what’s happened. Have I done something wrong?’
‘Not at all,’ I say, attempting a breezy smile. ‘Eve texted me first thing. Bit of a work emergency to deal with.’ I feel awful for lying, like, proper shit.
Zach’s pulling on yesterday’s jeans. ‘Give me twenty minutes to pack and I’ll drive us home,’ he says.
‘No need, I’ve booked a cab. I didn’t want to ruin your last day here and we don’t need to check out until this afternoon so …’
‘Honestly, it’s not a problem. I want to help.’
‘No,’ I’m firmer this time and I can see it catch him by surprise. ‘I don’t want this to ruin your weekend too. You should stay, get out for a walk, maybe do some sketches? I know how you love the fresh air.’
‘I’d rather spend time with my girlfriend,’ he says, and at the mention ofthatword, the air around me feels thinner, and the cage I’ve built for myself even smaller.
It’s too much. The space is closing in around me and it feels harder to breathe.
