There’s another painful pause, filled only by the low rumble of boiling water.
‘Yeah, that wasn’t great. I should probably explain myself. I feel torn, Zach, like I’m being pulled in two completely different directions. On the one hand, there’s you and how much I like you. On the other, there’s this fear. I think the weekend was just a bit too much and the scared voice in my head was getting louder, asking me what I’d got myself into with you and telling me that it would only end badly. I don’t want to mess you around but I don’t want to miss out on this, either.’
‘Why do you think it’s going to end badly?’ I ask quietly.
‘Because I’m worried that we want different things.’
‘Alice, you’re not messing me around. I’m a big boy and I chose to be here. Christ, I’m happier here than anywhere.’
‘I feel like that too.’
‘Was it me talking about families that made you panic?’
A pause, then: ‘Yeah …’
‘Honestly, I could kick myself.’
‘But you shouldn’t have to and that’s the point. That’s what you want from life. The problem is that I don’t think I do. Or, at least, I haven’t made my mind up yet.’
‘Alice,youare what I want from life right now. All that other stuff … those are big questions but we don’t need to deal with them. All we really need to know is that we have fun together and that we like each other.’
There’s silence down the line.
‘That’s what I think, too.’
‘I know you want to take things slowly and I know why you want that, too,’ I say, trying to reassure her. ‘Just because we’ve put a label on our relationship now doesn’t mean we’re on a one way ticket to getting married and filling a house with kids. I’m not going to lie, those are things that I think I’d like for myself in the future but I’m not dead set on anything. Life throws you curveballs, right? And suddenly you find yourself looking at things differently, maybe realising that where you are right now is where you want to be.’
There’s a pause while Alice processes what I’ve said. ‘Are you calling me a curveball, Zach?’ I can hear the hint of a smile in her tone and it feels like a massive confidence boost. All I can do is be honest because I owe that to myself. I don’t want to be too full on for Alice, but I also need to be true to how I feel.
‘I don’t think either of us were expecting what happened on that night at my art exhibition,’ I say. ‘I’ve had the best summer of my life getting to know you. I’d like for that to carry on because this thing we have is fun. We don’t need to worry about what the future has in store just yet. So, what I’m saying is, can we just stick with what we have?’
‘I’d really like that, Zach. And I have to admit that this summer with you has been pretty great.’
I punch the air in relief. ‘Does that mean you fancy our N date?’
‘Depends,’ she laughs. ‘What is it?’
‘I figured that something with no pressure and no grand gestures could be good. Netflix this weekend? And as we always hang out at yours, you’d be very welcome to come to mine for a change.’
She giggles. ‘I am so up for that.’
The only problem is that I still haven’t got very far with the house. Every time I peel at some flaking wallpaper or pick at a loose carpet thread, I realise I should really be in the studio. My house looks like the grey-washed before pictures of one of those house makeover TV shows.
When the doorbell rings the following weekend I take a last quick look around. There’s music playing in the background and I’ve gone big on low-lighting which makes the place looks less like it’s desperate for a paint.
I open the door and Alice is standing there with a smile on her face. She’s wearing stone-washed jeans and a white T-shirt with a pair of red lips on it, handing me wine and flowers as she steps inside. I haven’t seen her since our fated mini-break and we both stand there for a moment, the weight of what happened when we last saw each other seeming to hang in the air.
Suddenly Alice is in my arms, reaching up to kiss my cheek, and everything feels right with the world.
‘I’ve missed you this week. Sorry about the drama,’ she says almost sheepishly, her body still against mine.
‘Please, there’s no need to apologise,’ I say, steering her into the living room. ‘I’m just glad it’s all out in the open and that you’re here. I’ve missed you too.’
‘I’ve been looking forward to this. You might have guessed that work’s been mental since I got back from our trip.’
After three days of silence and our conversation mid-week to clear things up, Alice has mostly sent me a string of head-exploding emojis ever since. ‘I figured from your messages,’ I grin.
‘I haven’t been the most communicative,’ she says, clinking my glass with hers and catching my eye. ‘Nat and I have been working on your idea.’
