He sat up too, running his hand over his face, trying to focus. Then he grunted and shifted the covers over his crotch to block himself. “Could you not sleep? Were you having another nightmare?” His voice had a mix of lust and sleep on his tongue, and I could tell he was trying to shake both feelings off.
I shook my head, unable to find the words to tell him. My throat was still so dry, and my tongue felt heavy. I pulled my knees to my chest, hugging them around myself.
I wanted him.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” He tried to tug me toward him, but halted as soon as his hand met mine. His eyes glazed over,and I knew he was seeing what I just had for the past five minutes.
He immediately dropped his hold on me and moved across the bed, putting distance between us.
“Fuck. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you, or for you to see that.” He stared at me for a moment.
I still couldn’t find my voice. I had to say something—say anything—but when I tried to open my mouth, nothing came out so I just closed it again.
He let out more of a frustrated sigh, ran his fingers through his white hair at the top of his head, then flung out of bed. Bending over, he picked up his fallen pants, keeping his back turned to me. He started stepping into them…
“Tezya, I—”
“Go back to bed, Rumor.”
“Where are you going?”
He turned around slowly, I caught a glimpse of his bulge just before he buttoned up his pants. He didn’t answer right away, his eyes pleading with mine. “I’m sorry I woke you. You weren’t meant to see that.”
“Are you struggling?” I started, then stopped, having no idea how to phrase what I thought was happening. “With the bond, I mean. Is it hard not to…” I let my voice trail off as I looked down at the sheets. We’d been apart for weeks and weeks and then when we were finally back together I tried so hard to shut everything off, to focus on one task at a time. I hated that I was nervous, that I was making this uncomfortable.
“I’m fine, Rumor. Just go back to sleep. You need rest.”
“Where are you going?” I asked again, this time finally managing to look up.
“I’m going for a walk to… cool off.” His eyes were gentler. “Just go back to bed. I’ll be back soon.”
He picked his shirt off the furs and started walking toward the tent opening before even putting it on.
“Tezya—please, don’t go.” He halted, his back turned to me with his hand frozen over the flaps. “Please, stay.” I slowly dragged myself from the bed and started walking toward him. His breath hitched, but he didn’t pull his hand away, didn’t turn around yet. “I want… I want you to stay,” I whispered as I closed the gap between us, wrapping my hands over his exposed abdomen from behind. His muscles moved beneath my fingers, his hands fisting the shirt he was holding. “Why didn’t you tell me you were struggling with this?”
He huffed, frustration radiating from him as he finally turned around to face me. My hands grazed over him as he moved. “Because I’m not. I’m fine, Rumor. I know how to control myself. I just haven’t slept much since you came back, and my subconscious took over when I finally closed my eyes. I didn’t mean to send my thoughts to you while you were sleeping, but I’m fine.”
I stared up at him. Was he purposely blocking me out during the day?
“Do you—do you not want to?” I hated the pathetic tone that came out of my voice, how this one question caused me to panic. My hands dropped at my sides as I diverted my eyes, staring at my feet, waiting for his answer. Did he regret the bond? Did he not want me in that way anymore, but now his body couldn’t help it? Maybe it was how I looked now, maybe he wasn’t attracted to me anymore—
His fingers gently tipped my chin up so I was forced to look at him. “Of course I want to, Rumor. Fuck. You’re all I think about. You’re all I want.”
“Then why…” Why haven’t you tried to touch me? Why are you purposely pushing those thoughts from your mind when you’re awake? Why are you trying to leave right now? I couldn’t get myself to finish any of the questions.
“Because I only just got you back, and you’ve been through a lot. I’m prepared to wait as long as you need.”
“I want to—”
He shook his head. “Rumor, no. Please don’t say that just because you know it’s what I want. You need to rest. You need to get better…”
“It’s not just what you want.” I could tell he was going to shut me out again. He was still planning on leaving, so I brought my hand to his, our scars connecting. “See,” I whispered, my voice breathless again. “I want it… I want… you.Please.”
I let him see everything, not keeping anything from him. Something snapped in me when I saw his dreams. It woke me up from just surviving each day. It was like I just learned that I wanted to feel—not just breathe and exist, butlive.
I gulped, my throat bobbing, as I watched his pupils flare and chest heave.
Slowly, I walked backwards, my eyes never leaving his, scared he’d run if I let go. When my knees hit the cot, I pulled him toward me, twisting us around and moving to stand in front of him, blocking the exit. I let go of his hand only to press mine against the tops of his shoulders. I was on my tip toes, trying to usher him to sit down on the edge of the bed. “Please, Tezya… I want this.”
