My heart threatened to burst out of my chest. I opened my mouth to speak, then closed it, before opening it again. I couldn’t process his words, couldn’t put meaning to them, so I blocked it out, making myself numb to it just like I used to.
“Why did he punish you at breakfast for being able to touch me?” I asked, planning on using his candor until it ran out and desperately needing to change the topic. It’d been bothering me the past two nights. I kept thinking about it, kept playing over what happened in the dining room and couldn’t make sense of it.
Hael exhaled before running his hands through his hair. “It’s a rule he made for me when I won the Vargothi. I can’t be with anyone.”
“You’ve never…” My cheeks heated, and I couldn’t get myself to finish the sentence.
He shook his head. “I’ve slept with people, but it’s all been mindless fucks. I was technically sterilized during the Imassura, but that’s not what he cares about.”
“What does he care about?”
He was silent for a minute. “Me.” He blew out a breath. “He’s always shown an interest in me. It started before I even competed in the Vargothi, but it only got worse after I won.”
I nodded, understanding that too well. It hit too close to home. Dahes had the same obsession with me. He was always intrigued, but the moment my Token manifested, it reached an entirely new level.
“Why…” I swallowed, trying to find my voice. “Why would touching me make him mad?” Elion’s reaction was still engraved in my head. If he was allowed to sleep with people, it didn’t make sense that he got so livid over a single touch to my shoulder.
“I think he suspects how I feel about you. He made it clear when I won that I was never allowed to love anyone. It’s one of his rules for me. He likes to keep me isolated. I think he gets some sick enjoyment in knowing that I only exist for duty, that my life isn’t my own. I’m the leader of the army, but not by choice.” He laughed, but there was no humor in it.
“How you feel about me…” I repeated his words on a whispered breath, everything else he said went in one ear and out the other as that single thought kept repeating, swirling around inside my head like the wind gusts in Moriann.
“I’m not allowed to fall in love.”
“I…” My back staggered into the cushions, the bowl of grapes on my lap clattering to the floor. I watched them roll, some falling under the sofa, but I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe…
“I’m not saying I’m in love with you, Nollie,” he smirked at my reaction. “I honestly don’t know what the hell I’m feeling toward you.” He let out a breath. “All I know is I’ve never cared about what happened to someone before. It infuriates me whenever I think about what Cash tried to do when he brought you to the brothel. It terrifies me whenever I think about Elion using you. And it scares the living shit out of me imagining him giving you a punishment instead of me.” He ran his fingers through his hair again. “Maybe this is what it feels like.” He let out another laugh. “I honestly have no fucking clue what I’m doing, but for some reason, with you, I care.”
My gut plummeted. My body was chained, my mind falling into the Examinis.
My hunt was over.
Hael just told me his weakness.
And it wasme.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Eclipsis
HAEL
Another two days had passed and every night I found myself at the cabin.
I shouldn’t be doing this. I should have stayed away the moment I brought her here, but I couldn’t. There was a tangible string between us, I could feel it now. Every time I left, it tugged tighter and tighter, pulling me back to her.
“Hi.” Her voice was soft the moment I opened the door. She was sitting on the couch again, her knees curled into her chest with a plate of cheese and fruit across her lap.
“Hey,” I said, closing the door at my back before unsheathing my sword, then the rest of my blades followed. The only one I kept on me was my dagger. “I’ll make you something.”
I propped my sword against the wood before walking into the kitchen.
“I have food,” she said, still not moving from the sofa.
“That doesn’t count as dinner.” I was very aware that she wasn’t eating proper meals. I had the icebox stocked before I brought her here and so far only the bread, fruits, and cheeses were taken.
She didn’t even go for the dried meats I prepared—I knew there was a possibility she didn’t know how to cook. Most of the people thatlived in Moriann didn’t have a home, so I prepared some food for her, hoping she’d eat it.
It was only confirmation of my suspicion.
