“I’m so sorry, Mas. I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean to leave you?—”
“Shhh,” he soothed. “I know, Nollie.”
Hearing my nickname on his lips shattered something within me.
“It’s all my fault,” I broke. He shouldn’t be like this. He should be breathing outside the river. He should be going into Viven for the first time, finally getting to live life without poverty.
“What happened to me isn’t your fault.”
“It is,” I sobbed. “I made the stupid deal because I thought…” My breath hitched. “I thought you died, but then?—”
“Nollie,” Masin cut me off. “Ididdie that night.”
“But Dahes told me you didn’t fall into the river.”
“I know what he said.”
My breathing hitched. “You do?”
“Yes,” Masin smiled, but it was sad, somber. “I couldn’t move on when he still owned you. I’ve been following you, watching you.”
“H-how?” I never saw Masin as a ghost.
“There’re different levels to the dying. Just because you couldn’t see me doesn’t mean I wasn’t there.”
Suns, I couldn’t do this. I was the older sibling. I was supposed to watch over him, protect him, not the other way around.
“I didn’t fall in the river,” he continued, “but I still died. Dahes slit my throat right before you made the deal. He needed to bring me back for your deal to work.”
“So you didn’t think I abandoned you?”
“No, Nollie. I didn’t fully understand what happened until I died again, but I always suspected he messed with my head somehow. I knew I didn’t have the whole truth, that you didn’t just leave me.”
“But I did. I still left you, Mas. If I was there. If I was with you, I could have?—”
“Nollie, stop,” he cut me off. “If you were with me on the streets, I would have already been dead. Dahes wasn’t going to let me live after that night. You saved me, Nollie.You saved me.You gave me four extra years that I never would have had.”
I started sobbing more. Ever since Dahes told me Masin died again after our deal, the question wouldn’t leave my mind.How long?
But now that I knew… Four years. That’s all I gave him.
Four.
“Listen, just because your Token lets you see the dead, doesn’t mean you should. I want you to live, Nollie. I want you to enjoy your future, not be stuck in the past. Don’t look back, don’t visit me again.”
“I can’t?—”
“You can. Magnolia, this will not be the last time you see me. We will be together again. Even if it’s not until a thousand years after your Staying Age, we will have all the time in the world together. I know that seems like a really long time right now, but I promise you, I’ll be waiting. So don’t rush it. I’ll be here for you regardless of when you come. You only get to live once, and I’m going to want you to tell me all about it, so you need to live it, okay, Nollie? You need to live for us, for me.” I was sobbing. I didn’t think it was possible to cry more, but I was wrong. I could probably refill the entire Examinis over and over again for how much this was breaking my heart. “You’re free, Nollie. You’re free to be happy, and so am I.”
“How can you ask that of me? How can I be happy when I know you’re here? You shouldn’t be here?—”
“That’s not true, Nollie. I was always meant to die. I died the second you made your deal with Dahes. You prolonged the inevitable. You gave me extra time that was so fucking precious to me, and I’ll always owe you that. But I was always meant to die. What happened to me wasn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. Do you understand me, Nollie?You didn’t do this.”
I didn’t respond.
“Look at me.” I met my brother’s gaze. As a ghost, everything wasvarying shades of gray, but his details were ingrained in my memory. Now that he was before me again, I remembered the exact vibrant shade of blue to his eyes, and the small smudge of green he had on the left corner. I remembered his ashy hair and the way he had one curl that always fell over his forehead.
“I need you to understand that you didn’t do this.”
