“Of course it would have. You were in pain for two days, when you could have just?—”
“Nollie. It only would have worked withyou.”
There was a beat of silence between us.
“What do you mean?”
“I want to be with you, and only you. There is no one else.”
I still wasn’t understanding. I just stared at him, dumbfounded, barely comprehending the words he just said.
“The drug only ebbs if it’s with someone you desired before you consumed it. That’s why I had to touch you at the end.”
My stomach fluttered. Actually, it felt like it completely dropped out of me. I ignored the part where he knew I wanted him, pushed that so far down, stopping the embarrassment from crashing into me because I was pretty sure I’d die if I felt any more.
“Then why didn’t you?” I paused. Swallowed. “Why did you leave?”
“You think I wanted that to be our first time? When we were both fucking drugged?” He exhaled. “Fuck. I don’t know what you went through before, but I’d be damned if I had done the same thing?—”
“You wouldn’t—couldn’t.”
His eyes were pleading like he didn’t believe me.
“I want you too, Hael.” I had no idea why I said it. I was convincing myself that I was only trying to get closer to him because of the hunt, but I wasn’t sure what I believed anymore.
This wasn’t about the hunt. Dahes would kill me himself if he knew what I was doing, what I really wanted…
His mouth opened like he was about to say something, but then he closed it. “I have to go.” He started to walk toward the door.
“Hael. Wait.”
His hand flexed, about to grab the handle. “Nollie, I’m sorry for what happened.” He paused. “I know you won’t listen, but I mean it, you need to leave. The tournament is over, which means there are no other distractions for the king. If you stay, you’re going to draw his attention, and it’ll only be a matter of time before he uses you or sells you to Dahes.”
He left before I could respond.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Lap
MAGNOLIA
Iused the rest of the morning to practice my Token and work on making myself numb again.
I couldn’t afford to lose control of my thoughts. I couldn’t afford to be reckless, knowing that Dahes was due to enter my head at any moment.
If he knew I wanted Hael, that I would have let him touch me?—
Breath. One. Two. Three. Four. Exhale.
Don’t think. You don’t want anything, Magnolia. Just breathe. Just exist. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think.
When I felt my mind turning off, I focused on my body, trying to convince myself that I wanted to be transparent, that I loved my Token, that I was happy that I got it, that it was a desire…
I let out a frustrated sigh because no matter how many times I tried repeating the mantra inside my head, I was no closer to believing it.
So far, I’d only managed to turn my Token off. I had control on letting go of it, on bringing my body back into its tangible form.
The only problem was that wasn’t going to help me when I was brought back to Dahes. Being tangible wasn’t going to protect me.
