He turned to me, then back. “Of course they are, man. I love my friends and family, and they’re good people. If I everneeded anything, serious shit or little shit, they’d be there in a heartbeat. Even my brother.”
“Then why’d you say that?”
Ryder was quiet for a second. When he spoke, something was missing. Or there was something new. “I guess…” He chuckled. “I guess I don’twantto need anything. Or can’t. It’s…” He looked at me, then away again. “Never mind. It’s stupid. You don’t want to hear me bitch.”
“I do,” I said. His eyes met mine, and for the first time, there was something close to painful on his face. “Seriously.”
He glanced away. “No, it’s just that when you’re the one people depend on, there isn’t a lot of room for needing others. You know what I mean?”
“Not to sound like an idiot, but not really.”
Ryder didn’t look over at me, though I couldn’t take my eyes off him. “You’re not an idiot, Finn. Far from it. You just don’t think about things. This is stupid anyway. Sorry.”
I reached for his shoulder. It was warm under my fingers. “It’s not stupid.” Ryder looked at my hand and then at me. “But, can you explain it to me?”
He smiled with the side of his mouth and looked away. I withdrew my hand before he spoke. “It’s hard living up to people’s perception and expectations of me. Not to sound like an asshole, but it’s a high standard.”
“Not an asshole if it’s the truth. You have the highest standards of anyone I know, in everything I’ve ever seen you do or say.”
Ryder chuckled. “Thanks, Finn.”
The sun’s reflection on the pool caught my eye. “For a long time, you were the standard I judged myself against, and that shit was super fucking hard, so I stopped.”
That made him laugh, and he rolled over on his side, facing me. “Well, I’m glad you worked out that I’m insane all on your own.”
“You’re not insane, man. But why do you put so much pressure on yourself?”
A brow lifted, and the side of his mouth curled. “Trying to dig a little deep, aren’t you?”
“I guess. But only if you wanna tell me.”
He rolled his eyes and flopped onto his back. After a sigh, he said, “Okay, Dr. Therapist, I love my parents very much, but I was basically the golden child. Which meant I got a lot of attention. So, I’m used to it, I don’t shy away from it, but it comes with pressure, and it gets to be a lot sometimes.”
“Is that true?” I tilted my head. “I’ve known you guys forever, and your parents still take each of you out individually togrow the connection.”
Ryder laughed. “You know what? You’re right, I didn’t mean attention. My siblings got just as much as I did. More like expectations. If Miles or Lena did shitty on a test, they’d get a talk about how they could manage their time better to study more, or whatever.”
“Oh, I know the Beckett family encouragement conversations well. Had quite a few myself,” I said with a chuckle.
He rolled his eyes and smiled. “Yup. I got them too, but mine came with… not disappointment, but surprise. Like they couldn’t imagine I’d ever do poorly in school or in sports. And they’re great, so I always tried hard not to disappoint them.”
“That… makes a lot of sense.” He was always a badass, but also super smart and talented at all things physical.
“Yeah. But then it got to be too much, so I’d deflect any attention I got to my siblings, and for a while, that worked. But it left something in me. I have to be there, prop them up, do allthis extra shit. It’s like a deep-seated need. More than just them, everything in my life.”
“Jesus, everything?” My head hurt trying to imagine it.
“Yeah, man. Sports, work, all of it. And when you’re like that, it’s not a matter of asking for help, it’s knowing that if I ever slip up, just a little, do just a little less than I always have, things would crumble around me.”
I laughed. “No way you think that. The world isn’t gonnacrumblewithout you.” I laughed again. “C’mon, man.”
He laughed, too. “Yeah, yeah. I know. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s not an ego thing, more like…” Ryder fidgeted with his soda. “Like, I know it’s not true, but I feel like if I don’t, then I won’t be needed. Or useful. Everyone’s so used to me being the way I am that if I ever stopped or needed support in the other direction, the illusion, that golden child, would vanish. Like…” He shook his head. “I would’ve said my brother was my best friend in the entire world before what happened, but it did. And it sucks, but here I still am. You know?”
I never would’ve guessed he felt that way. He was Ryder Beckett, for fuck’s sake. The most reliable, dependable—
Oh fuck. I saw what he meant. “Holy shit, yeah.”
Ryder took an almost shaky breath. “Yeah.” He smiled. “Okay. Since you just grilled me, my turn. I said you don’t have to talk about it, and I meant it. You can tell me to fuck off, but…” He met my eye as his face changed. “Are you really heteroflexible?”
