“Then you have to be honest with him. Finn, too. They can handle it. And if they can’t…” Kris shrugged.
“Then fuck ‘em!” Mae said, halfway to her silly accent. “You’re a hot gay doctor. Be proud of who you are!”
Rickie said, “Making yourself small for others only gives you a bad back.”
The chill on my neck turned into a shiver. Finn filled my mind. His sleeping face morphing into a smile. Then the fall of his brow when I told him it wasboth.
“Jesus Fucking Christ. Did I fuck up the best relationship I’ve ever been in because of this bullshit?”
Rickie said, “Not yet. But, like… depends on what you do next.”
Mae put her empty glass on the bar and slouched toward me. “Honestly, hun, you should just forget about them and move to the city. Better jobs and more dick.”
“Finn’s the only guy I want.”
Mae shook her head. “That boy must be hung like a god.”
“He is.” My face burned after I said it. Mae cackled. Rickie pushed me, laughing. I laughed too, my chest opening.
Finn’s laugh rang in my ears. His scent filled my nose, and warmth wrapped my body. I couldn’t lose him. Finn deserved the man he always thought I was.
I said, “After everything, I was only going to the wedding for Finn, but he’s a big boy…” I touched the dead phone in my pocket. “Fuck it, and fuck them.” I got the bartender’s attention. “Can we have a round of vodka shots?”
“Now we’re talking!” Mae said. “Don’t grace that shitty bitch with your presence.”
“I was just going to say that!” Rickie said. “But, make mine tequila with Tajín instead of salt, please!”
Chapter Twenty Four
Finn
Icalled Ryder about twenty times on the way to his place and only got his voicemail. I could’ve stopped after the first, but hearing his message was better than driving in silence, and there was no way I was putting on any music.
The first time I was ever at that apartment was to help him move in, with the rest of his family, while I was still in college. Back then, I was just another strong body, his little brother’s friend, there to lift boxes and haul furniture up the three flights. It felt like a different timeline. Like one of those alternative history books Ryder liked to read.
Most of the time when I parked outside his place, I was already chubbing in my pants, like those dogs with the bells. My heart would race, trained to expect pleasure as soon as I got in the door. That night, technically the early morning of his brother’s wedding, my blood was pumping for much worse reasons.
“C’mon, man. Be there. Open up,” I said to the wall of buttons representing the different residents in Ryder’s building.
I hit the buzzer at least a dozen times, holding it down for ten, twenty, thirty seconds each. I had thought maybe he had gone out and was sleeping it off. But no one could sleep through that buzzer, especially not Ryder, who was the lightest sleeper I’d ever met.
What if he was in there, but not medically able to let me in? My hand twitched, about to grab my phone to call emergency services, but I had never even looked for his car or bike in the lot.
The bike was there, but the car wasn’t. Good, but also terrible. Wherever he went, he stayed there. It was just past two in the morning. If he went out to a bar, there was still a chance he’d come home in the next hour or so.
I decided to wait it out. Maybe it was desperate, or insane, but I loved that man, and the longer I went with no contact from him, the more worried I became.
I tried to listen to music once I got back in my car, but skipped each song after the first five seconds. I turned my car off. I didn’t want to listen to anything.
The last twenty-four hours felt like a month. I started the day right there, in Ryder’s bed. Said I love you to him for the first, well, second time. Then it all fell apart. And only got worse.
He really did that, didn’t he? Hit on me just to get back at that repulsive woman. I mean, he had every reason to, but that was still fucking shitty. I loved him, and what was I to him? A fucking pawn in some game with a bigot? That’s fucked, man.
My jaw clenched. I was still so mad at Ryder. Maybe things felt different from that morning, but I was still pissed. And hurt.
Right? I was hurt and pissed, wasn’t I? That’s what I was feeling, right?
“Fuck, man,” I said to my dark, empty car.
