At the same time, I said, “Ryder, I’m—”
We laughed, then smiled, holding each other’s eyes for longer than a moment.
Ryder ran his fingers through the hair on the back of his head. “Lemme go first. I’m the one who needs to apologize.”
“I do, too.”
“No, you have nothing to apologize for.” His smile was so sad. “I’m so sorry, Finn. From the bottom of my soul. I’m sorry for letting my anger and hurt interfere with my feelings for you. I’m sorry for not telling you all the things you deserved to know. But mostly, I’m sorry for treating you like you can’t handle stuff. You’re a grown ass man, and it was wrong of me to downplay your agency to protect you.”
My brow stitched together. “Downplay my agency?” I chuckled. “I don’t have a doctorate. Dumb it down.”
Both his smile and blink were slow, making his exhausted face that much more handsome. “Sometimes I’m overprotective of the people I love instead of treating them like an equal. But that’s super fucked up. And I’m sorry.”
“What?” I was so confused. “You don’t do that? What are you talking about?”
“I do, and I’m gonna change. If you’re my boyfriend, we need to stand together. Face the shit the world flings at us side by side, hand in hand. Not me standing out front.”
I blinked. That was true. The entire time I knew him, he’d been shielding his loved ones as best he could. It always made me think of him as a hero, or a knight, or some stupid shit, taking the arrow so someone else didn’t have to.
“Maybe, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Or, at least not… malicious. It’s from a place of love, right? That’s how I always saw it.”
“It was, but…” He shifted on the couch and cleared his throat. “Part of the reason I didn’t tell you how badly Miles hurt me was because it would’ve ruined your friendship with him. I didn’t want to hurt youorhim, even if he deserved it.” He gave me a tight frown. “I should’ve trusted you. Being your partner means you deserve the truth, no matter what. Even if it’s hard, like why I first hit on you, or that we suspected you liked me.”
“You thought I was upset because you didn’t tell me all that?”
His head tilted. “Uh, well, yeah. Isn’t that why you left?”
“Kinda, but not really.” I stared at the wall behind his head. “Yeah, you should’ve told me, but more than that, I was embarrassed.”
“About what?” Ryder’s voice went up an octave. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Trust me, the part of me that wanted to get back at them wasinfinitesimalcompared to the part of me that was attracted to you.”
“No, no.” I chuckled. “I meant about the other thing. The family stuff.”
“Oh.” His face reddened, and he looked at his fingers. “Duh.” He looked up. “That makes a lot more sense. But it wasn’t the way you’re thinking it was. We never, ever laughed at you. And never questioned your sexuality, other than you might’ve had a crush on me. That’s all, I swear.”
“I know.”
Ryder leaned back. “You know? Then why were you so upset?”
I sighed. “It’s a lot. And kinda confusing.” The storm of thoughts from the night before had settled, leaving something I had avoided for a long time. “I love my parents. They’re good people, but they shouldn’t have had a kid. I know I wasn’t planned.”
“Yeah, you said.”
“I…” My neck still hurt, and I tried to crack it, but failed. He hadn’t moved, waiting for me. “I think I, like… put your family in the mental place where other people keep their own.” Half my face screwed up. “You know?”
“Kinda?”
My expression tensed, and my head hurt. “They were like my surrogate family.”
“They are, they love you. They say all the time how you’re their brother or son.” He offered a weak smirk. “I never saw you that way, but you know why.” Ryder chuckled.
I tucked a leg underneath me. “No. Not like that. Not the platitudes like ‘we have three sons,’ or whatever.” I took a deep breath. “I think I got the same sense of, like… security, or whatever, from your family that normal people get from their own. Like… they filled that gap, you know?”
“Oh.” Ryder’s eyes flicked away from mine and back.
“Yeah.” I fiddled with a pillow. “Talking about me was kinda fucked up, but you guys weren't wrong. I did have a massive crush on you, even if I never acknowledged it.” I glanced up at him, then back to the pillow. “What upset me was realizing I wasn’t part of your family and never would be.”
A moment passed as I realized his couch pillows had to have as many threads as his sheets. “Finn…” His voice was soft, and I felt his eyes on me. “You are. We always thought of you as one of us.”
