She held up a hand. “We haven’t seen each other for twenty years, Elliott. Third hand information from my parents doesn’t mean that you know me.” She blew her hair out of her eyes.
“The Clare you knew wasn’t a teenage mom who got knocked up at seventeen years old the first time she ever had sex. She wasn’t pregnant, scared, and alone because the sperm donor hauled ass and left me to deal with the consequences of our actions when I wouldn’t terminate.” Wow. The conversation had gone from “Hey, long time, no see. Is this seat taken?” into deep and gnarly specifics really fucking quickly. She hadn’t been prepared. She still wasn’t prepared.
His nostrils flared as he tensed in his seat, but even if she wanted to stop the tirade pouring from her mouth, she couldn’t. “She wasn’t abandoned by her best friend.” The slashes on her heart vibrated with such a deep ache she thought her chest might collapse in on itself. “The Clare you knew had dreams and hopes and goals to become a hot shot doctor so she could help people, make a difference in the world.”
“The Clare you knew wasn’t married to a complete asshole who had an affair for almost the entire time they were married. She wasn’t a divorced mom of two, on the wrong side of thirty, who’d let herself go so much that her clothes no longer fit. And who’d lost herself to the point her only downtime was eating fried cheese and reading a smutty book in a bar on a Thursday evening.”
Tears welled in her eyes, but she blinked them back, willing them not to fall. “So yeah. You’re right. I’m doing a job I don’t even enjoy anymore because it pays my bills. It’ll help pay for Cat’s college tuition and Mason’s hockey equipment. My boss is leaving. I’m more than qualified to replace him, and I just can’t.” Take that, asshat. She managed a ragged breath, though it didn’t feel like any air got into her tight chest.
How could he possibly know that she wasn’t “ballsy” any longer? Just because she worked a decent job didn’t mean she wasn’t sky-diving on the fucking weekends.
She shivered. Okay, fine. Nope. That wouldneverhappen. People should not jump out of perfectly good planes for no reason.
“Can’t or won’t?”
His words fanned the fire flickering in her gut. “Does it matter? I’ll keep doing what I’m doing because it’s what I have to do to provide for my family. A promotion would mean more work, longer hours, more responsibility, more stress.” She ticked each reason off on her fingers. “It would affect my kids and I don’t want that.”
He lifted his hand and moved it toward her, she held her breath, but the contact never came. Instead, he slid his thumb up the neck of the bottle, leaving a trail through the condensation. Why wouldn’t he touch her, goddammit?
His nostrils flared and a muscle in his cheek worked overtime as he sat in silence.
“For Christ’s sake, Eli. Spit it out. Speak.”
His hazel eyes flashed at her as his head snapped up.
“You’ve never been one to hold your tongue. If you have something to say, then say it.” Clare took another drink, alcohol fueling her righteous indignation. Baiting him, goading him, taunting him had never worked well for her, but she couldn’t help herself. She was jonesing for a fight and part of her wanted him to meet her there.
The alcohol was definitely kicking in, and his presence was affecting her in ways she couldn’t resist and didn’t like—except she loved it, and wanted to lean into it, but she couldn’t. He’d left her and she couldn’t trust him not to leave her again. Her kids deserved better. Hell,shedeserved better.
“I might not know the full extent of what you’ve been through, Clare. But I can definitely relate to the cheating and the divorce.” He gave her a bitter smile. “I know what it’s like to feel lost and miserable. To feel alone. To feel like you’re not good enough.”
His hand rested on the bar, only inches from hers. She could close the gap, slide hers under his, maybe she could feel his warmth without getting lost in it, but she didn’t.
“I might not have kids, but I like to think a part of me still knows you, Clare. Always giving. Always doing what’s best for everyone else. But what about you, huh?” He took another drink, flexed his jaw, and stood.
Slipping his wallet out of his back pocket, he grunted as he flipped it open and dropped some bills on the bar.
“At some point, the kids will be grown and you’ll be by yourself wondering how the hell you got there and grumbling about how you’re too old to change it. Hell, you might even end up resenting them.”
Folding his wallet back into his pocket, he sighed. “If I’ve learned anything from my failed marriage it’s that pushing down all your own hopes and dreams for the sake of someone else isn’t going to do any of you any good.”
The pain etched across his face was like a punch to the solar plexus and the weight of his tone gave her pause. What had he put on hold for the sake of his ex-wife? Wait. He didn’t have kids? Didn’t he always want kids? Was that what he put on hold for his partner?
“Don’t make yourself small, Clare. It’s okay for you to not only want something more, but to pursue it with everything you are. Update your resume. Put yourself forward for the promotion, if for no other reason than to say that you can. That you did something just for yourself.”
She hadn’t updated her resume in… Well, she didn’t even know how long. Did she even have one? What would she even update it with?
Can entertain a six year old while helping a teenager with her math homework?
Always has snacks and BandAids on hand?
Can stack coupons like a freakin’ coupon queen?
Always knows the kid friendly places to eat and the cheapest places to have family fun?
That wasn’t quite what they were going for.
“I can see your mind working. Always coming up with your shortcomings, never seeing what you’re capable of, what you could be capable of if you just got the fuck out of your own stubborn way.”
