Wait, what? “I thought you were going to Aspen…or Angel Fire…somewhere with the skiing and the snow.” I shiver. I’d probably fall off the ski lift and get stuck under it—that’s the level of confidence I have in my ability to control giant sticks strapped to my feet. They’d undoubtedly find my body dangling by the feet from the bottom of the chair lift someday.
“I am. I’m going home first. And I figured…” His face is red as he shrugs and tucks his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. It’s so fucking adorable I want to pinch his cheeks.
“I figured you could do with the company on the flight. We could ask to sit together when we check in.” What he’s not saying resonates inside my chest. He wants to take care of me on the plane.
This boy.
This boy is growing on my heart like a rose bush up a trellis.
“Mom wants you guys over before we go on vacation,” he says. “Just eggnog and charcuterie boards. She lives for the holidays. I told her I’d ask if you guys wanted to join us…”
The unasked question is left hanging in the air as I fight the now familiar urge to wrap my legs around his waist again.
I of course say yes.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you over Molly. It’s a,” he sighs, “Sore subject.”
I don’t press him, and I gratefully accept his apology. When I leave, it’s in a blissful haze of excitement. When I get back to my place, I cram all my crap into a case for my trip, unable to shove all the butterflies in my stomach into their box.
“What’s your deal?” Athena asks. She’s been calling me a deserter and traitor for an hour now as she lies on my bed flicking through some car magazine she gets delivered every month from Europe.
“I don’t have a deal.”
She arches her microbladed brow, dipping the magazine from her face so she can scrutinize me. “You never take this long to pack. Are you nervous about seeing your parents again?”
My parents. In all the rush leading up to Christmas vacation I’d kinda set them aside. It’s been easier to separate myself from those emotions and compartmentalize that situation while I worked on school and at The Book Bin rather than face them.
But now I’m faced with going back again, and I’m just not sure how to handle anything. I think my disassociation from the whole thing is because of overwhelm. For those few months I built myself up to finding information about my birth family, only to learn my birth mom had died, and now the goal of finding her is gone, I’m kind of stuck in limbo.
I’m scared that if I keep going down the path of pushing my family away, they might actually leave. And I just… I don’t want that. But I’m hurt, and I definitely don’t feel like I can trust them. As dramatic as it sounds I feel like my whole life has been a friggin’ lie, and I just don’t know how to come back from that. My usual joy for the holidays has been overshadowed by a sadness I can’t shake.
“Yeah.”
She drops her magazine onto the bed, nailing me with a stare. “That’s not it. Talk to me, Goose.”
“Hen, just drop it.”
Not even the infamous quote from her favorite movie will get me to spill.
She rolls her eyes. It makes me want to hold up a scorecard giving her a perfect ten. “It’s the boy, isn’t it? The hockey player. You’re seeing J-boy again.”
She must see something in my face, because she grins. “You have such a shit poker face, Banana. So you’re more worked up about seeing the boy with the giant meat whistle than you are over your first Christmas as an adopted child?”
The air explodes from my lungs with anoof. “Don’t hold back, Athena. Tell it like it really is.”
She shrugs. “You know I don’t pussyfoot around. It’s why we work so well together as a best friend duo. Straight as a rod, no place for bullshit. Yadda, yadda…” She waves her hand. “Stop deflecting. You want him, right?”
I nod, afraid to say anything as though the walls have ears and they might hear my confession.
“He wants you?”
I abandon my fourth packing attempt and cross the room to my bookcase. It’s a small dorm room, tiny in fact. I feel like I definitely got the runt of the litter when it came to personal space allotment from UCR.
Athena keeps offering for me to move into her apartment with her, and I keep saying no. I don’t want to take advantage of our friendship. And while the apartment is hers—she told me that each of the de la Peña kids got gifted an apartment near UCR fromDaddy Moneybagswhen they graduated high school—I just can’t do it.
A tiny voice in the back of my head whispers that I’m scared. It’s true. I don’t have that much of a circle. My family, Athena… Uh… My family and Athena, that’s pretty much it. If Hen and I move in together and get on each other’s nerves…well. I might end up losing her, and that thought makes me queasy.
I slip the book Justin gave to me from the shelf and hand it to her. She looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Are you trying to distract me from my questions with fictional hotties?”
