He holds up his hand. “I don’t want to hear why you feel you should play, Raffi. I don’t want whatever you’ve conditioned your brain to believe. Hell, I don’t even need the answer. But don’t lie to yourself. The hesitation just now… You might try to fool me, but you can’t fool yourself.”
Heat coats my skin as embarrassment curdles in my stomach. I hate being so transparent, so obvious. He’s right, though. I was going to give him the “I play because I love hockey,” answer, even if it’s not the entire truth.
He stares out Apollo’s penthouse window into the darkness. “Raffi, life’s too short to do something that doesn’t hold your whole heart. If you’re not playing because it’s the thing you think about from the second you open your eyes to the moment your head hits the pillow, then you can reevaluate.”
Without looking at him, I say the words that have been festering in my chest since Tori confirmed my suspicions. “I have a son.”
I steal a glance at his profile. His brows flinch, but that’s it.
“He’s two. I didn’t know about him because I lost my memory of his mom.”
His body sags next to me. “That’s not good, Raf. You’vetaken some heavy hits since then too. And you’re slowing down on the ice.”
Telling it like it is stings like fuck when the words land. He’s not wrong. No amount of time at the gym with Phil or extra ice time is making it easier to keep up.
“Not enough to get benched, but I follow your stats. You’re approaching a crossroads.”
“I have to play.” My voice is quiet. I don’t want to wake up his friend on the couch or draw attention to anything more than a casual conversation happening in the living room. I don’t want my teammates to lose their faith in me.
“Why?”
All my reasons, the real ones, burn my tongue, but I can’t share them. My parents’ hopes and dreams, the fact I’m the only one in college, if I don’t play I’ll lose my scholarship, my place in school.
It’s all heavy as fuck. “I have reasons.” It’s weak, but it’s all I have in the space I’m in. Is that an excuse? Maybe. If I say it out loud that’ll make it all true.
Am I scared my team will turn on me? Or rally for me? The answer is yes no matter which way you cut it.
“You should share them with your team.” Jer stretches on the couch, arms above his head somehow managing not to disrupt either animal curled around him. “They’re your family, Raffi. When you win, they win.”
“Do they know about your kid?” AJ’s staring out the window, his voice quiet enough I’m not sure Jer heard him.
“No.”
“Why not?”
A shrug is all I got. “I’m afraid his mom won’t let me spend time with him? I dunno.” I rake my hands through my hair. “I’m scared I’ll suck as a dad? I’m scared they’ll judge me? I don’t know why I haven’t told them. Maybe they’ll think he’s a distraction, or will blame him for the slip in my game.”
“That’s a lot to unpack.” Jeremy offers me his plate that, unsurprisingly, has food on it, but I decline. “Any grown-ass hockey player who blames a toddler for even one loss on the ice is a fucking coward and needs to not take up any of your time.”
AJ nods at his friend’s verbal assault.
“Is it possible you’re starting to think about how your career might impact him? Watching his dad on the ice? The potential to get hurt?”
Maybe. If I wasn’t before, I am now.
“Is that why you stopped playing?”
Jeremy shakes his head. “Stopped playing because my knee was acting its age. Didn’t have any more gas left in the tank.”
“I stopped because I wasn’t good enough.” AJ’s frank statement hangs between the three of us, but I don’t believe it. “I’d never have made it in the NHL. Pressure is too high, and I was too broken to make it mentally. Then I got proper treatment, medicated, married and had my twins.” His tone changes, grows warmer, lined with an emotion I can’t place. Pride?
“It’s not easy, but it was worth the decision at my crossroads.”
“Mine too.” Jeremy crunches something with a grin. “What’s left for you if you take out the hockey?” He holds his free hand up. “Not saying you should or need to quit, but if you take out the thing you’re grinding for day in and day out, what else you got?”
These guys have a way of cutting through the background noise and getting straight to the hard stuff.
“What do you want to do with your life?” AJ asks.
