‘Yes. But Nick. He can’t—’ She took a swig from her flask. ‘He was with her you see. When it happened.’
A lump of ice was forming in my stomach as things started to make a little more sense as to why Nick was not coping in the same way as Stephen. Everyone had to deal with their grief in a different way but if Nick was with her and it was sudden, it would explain a lot. I wanted to ask but we were in the middle of a library full of chatting holidaymakers, who I’d worked very hard to get in the festive mood for the last forty-five minutes.
And there it was again – that business decision being made over the personal.
‘I’m so sorry, Dorie.’
‘Me too, sweet girl, me too.’ She sighed and wiped a careful finger under each eye. ‘I can see you and Nick have…a closeness. I’m just… He’s not quite himself at the moment. I’m sure you’re smart enough to know what I’m getting at.’
Whether she was worried that I was taking advantage of him while he was vulnerable, or he was seeking an escape in me, or he was just acting out of character, I couldn’t quite tell. Clearly, I wasn’t as clever as she assumed but it didn’t really matter. The important thing was that Nick was hurting.
I would’ve gone to him right then but I had the rest of the guests to see to: the parents of the kids were leaving their presents down behind the desk for me to put under the tree once they’d all gone up to bed and it would be late by the time I was finished preparing for tomorrow. Maybe I’d knock on his door on my way to bed, just to tell him ‘Merry Christmas’ and see if he was okay.
How could he possibly be okay?
I somehow managed not to rush the guests through the second set of carols I had planned. The kids were actually bouncing around when it got to the time to put out the offerings for Father Christmas by the fire. That kind of excitement pretty much only happens when you’re little.
By half past one in the morning, the last of them had disappeared upstairs and I’d locked up. It was odd that it was Christmas Day technically, and yet not, because the last sleep had still not been slept.
Once the library was tidy, the lamps turned off, fire tamped down and candles blown out and double-checked, I set about moving the children’s presents into the lounge to arrange beneath the big tree. I ate as many of the cookies as I could stomach at that time in the morning and left the crumbs. On a whim, I decided to dust some icing sugar over the hearth and make some sooty footprints.
It was now two o’clock in the morning. I should really have been going to bed because I had quite the day to deal with. I’d built up the guests’ anticipation nicely and when they all got up expecting their wonderful, amazing Christmas, I had to make sure I didn’t wreck it. I had a goose to cook, as well as all the trimmings. Agoose. A few decent hours of sleep were vital if I was going to manage to avoid giving everyone food poisoning. However…
Instead of going straight upstairs, I found myself lingering by the door off the stairwell that led onto the second floor. It was too late to knock on Nick’s door. But…something was making me think it would be a bigger mistake not to. He’d been there for me so much in the last two days; the least I could do was wake him up in the middle of the night just to see if he was all right, wasn’t it? I would’ve done the same for anyone. Probably.
Heart hammering, I stopped at room eight, knocked quietly and waited. I’d made the decision now and I couldn’t deny it, I was seeking him out because Ineededto know how he was. I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I knew.
I knocked again, a little louder but still taking care not to disturb the other guests.
There was shuffling on the other side of the door and Nick opened it. He was extremely rumpled and bleary-eyed but, strangely, fully dressed except for his shoes. He’d jammed his glasses onto his face and one of the rests wasn’t sitting on his ear, it was stuck in his hair.
‘Beth. What’s wrong?’ He leaned out and looked down the hall towards another door. ‘Is my nan okay?’
‘Everything’s fine. Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out—’
‘Maybe don’t knock on my door in the middle of the night, then.’ He exhaled in a rush, rolling his eyes. He hadn’t sounded that blunt with me since we’d called a truce over the angel incident. His skin was pinched, reddened across the nose and his high cheekbones.
‘I just…’ The words died on my tongue as I took in his frown and the way he was still holding on to the door handle, keeping the door half closed. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want me here and that stung but maybe it was for the best. He had his family to comfort him, if that’s what he needed, and I had a hotel to run and some sleep to get. I had my answer, which was no different to what I’d thought it was. He wasn’t okay, but he didn’t want me to know. ‘Don’t worry. Sorry I woke you.’
I walked away quickly, pushed the staff only door open again and went into the back staircase. I took a deep breath, pushed my hair back from my face and started up the final flight of stairs. I’d read too much into the song he’d asked me to play earlier – or read it wrong – and now I felt like a prize idiot. When was I going to realise that my romantic notions about music healing the world were just silly nonsense?
‘Beth.’
I spun around. Nick was on the small landing below me, the door to the hallway swinging closed behind him.
He looked up at me, digging his hand into his hair. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. Are you okay?’
I nodded, even though my heart was palpitating so joyously it was hard to ignore how much it contrasted with the sluggishness I’d felt at his brief rejection.
‘Good. As long as you’re all right—’
‘Come upstairs with me?’ I held out my hand to him without thinking, as though I could stop him from walking away with my non-existent super powers. ‘Just for a drink.’
He shook his head. ‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’m…I should probably sleep.’
I dropped my hand again and forced a smile on my face. ‘Of course. I understand. Goodnight.’ I choked out the words. ‘I hope you get some rest. Promise I won’t wake you up again.’
‘Night.’
