‘Feeling in control of your impulses is a different kind of enjoyment isn’t it? To know you’re not a slave to your biological needs.’
I was putting on my best poker face now. Was he suggesting I was a slave to my sexual urges for him? That I couldn’t control myself around him? Hardly. But arguing the point didn’t seem like it would be useful, so I did a rare thing and kept my lip buttoned.
He took the last bite, still not licking his lips. I was not dying to do it for him. I wasnot.
‘And then, there’s the increased satisfaction when you decide you can give in. The build-up, the anticipation, makes it all the sweeter.’ He dragged his tongue slowly between his lips and I could feel it down to my toes. Bastard.
‘Well. Whatever floats your boat, I suppose.’ I forced another carefree smile. ‘Shall we go catch the train, now we’re all clear on what I have and haven’t imagined between us and what I will and will definitely not be doing?’
‘Lead the way.’ He swept a gallant arm out and I strolled past him.
I wasn’t sure what it meant that whenever I went on a fact-finding mission with Noelle, I ended up needing a long run the following day to sort my head out. It didn’t even help this time though. Perhaps next time I’d ask Patrick from work to join me on the run, so that I could stop my mind churning over everything, with no one to talk to about it. I could hardly ring Nick up and put him in the middle of it all.
The journey back on the train from Coney Island felt longer than the way there, and that was no small feat, because I hadn’t been looking forward to going at all. But the ride on that D train back to Brooklyn was torture. Thank God Noelle and I weren’t forced to cosy up together because it was crowded. With the hour being later, and it being a weeknight, the train was quieter, and we could each take a seat. Across from each other. She’d spent the first part of the journey with her arms crossed, staring out the window but by the time we’d changed trains she was looking tired and the corners of her mouth were dragging down.
The kiss she’d laid on me on the Wonder Wheel was like the memory of a dream I was grasping at, having been rudely awoken. I’d been so panicked, so down the pit of terror, that I’d hardly registered what she was doing. By the time I’d allowed the soft touch of her lips and the scent of her skin to filter in enough to distract me, she was gone, and the ride was over. I’d never wished more that I wasn’t frightened of heights, so that I could have reacted in the way I truly wanted to and made the most of that kiss.
I felt cheated. And that was a feeling I was getting used to with Noelle. She was a forbidden temptation and she was doing it on purpose. Possibly not with theintentionof tormenting me, but it was definitely a side effect she was willing to allow. I wasn’t sure I bought her line about imagining everything between us but not wanting it. If all things were possible, then surely that was too.
But she had laid the ground rules – no flirting – and made it clear she wasn’t interested. No matter how much I wanted to cross the aisle of the train and drag her up from the plastic orange seat to kiss her properly and prove my theory right, I couldn’t do that. I had to respect her wishes.
The text she’d sent me after I’d seen her home and walked back to my own empty apartment only made it worse.
Noelle: I’m sorry I forced you on the wheel
and kissed you while you were defenceless. I
didn’t mean to make things awkward between
us. I just didn’t think. I was hoping that we
were starting to be friends and I don’t want to
have ruined that. Forgive me?
I hadn’t wanted to answer. I didn’t want her to regret it. No. Forcing me onto the wheel, she could regret – but kissing me was something I wanted her towantand the fact that she didn’t, and she just wanted to be friends left me feeling…what was the feeling? Usually I could deal with a woman not wanting me, because I knew it wasn’t the end of the world – eventually we would have gone our separate ways.
But with Noelle I was so keenly aware of the fact that she was attracted to me – I wasn’t an idiot – yet it was undeniable that she didn’t want to be.
Maybe I was finding it hard because I was simultaneously trying to find my father. There were so many things going around my head. This slow reveal of who he really was. The places he’d been, the people he’d known, the impressions he’d left. Charming, a hit with the ladies, a lover of peanut butter, and, of course, he looked just like me. It could havebeenme they were describing, from those bare details. A man just like me who’d left me behind. My past and my future, some vicious cycle I was trapped in.
At work they were already labelling me that way. Nick was five years younger than me and thinking about getting married. Where was this trail going to lead me? What kind of man would I be faced with when I got to the end of it and was that the same person I would become if I kept up this life of never committing and putting on a charismatic front?
It was no real surprise she only wanted to be friends with me. It was a sensible decision. Agenerousdecision, given the circumstances. I needed to be a bigger person than I felt inclined to be.
Me: It wasn’t your fault, I should’ve told you.
I know you wouldn’t have forced me onto the
wheel if you’d known. You’re forgiven. You
haven’t ruined anything.
Her message came flying back to me straight away.
Noelle: I’m so glad. D’you want to head over
to Brooklyn tomorrow?
