Noelle’s head snapped in my direction, but I couldn’t look at her. I felt like a spider under a glass. Labelled as disgusting but at the mercy of the human peering down at me.
‘He told you about me?’ I asked. I hadn’t thought about that. I hadn’t thought it was possible that I’d played any part in his life at all, given that he’d walked out on mine.
‘Oh, yeah.’ She leaned her shoulder onto her doorframe and smiled mockingly. ‘He’d get drunk sometimes and talk. Said he felt guilty. Never made him put it right though did it? I mean, that’s why you’re here ain’t it? He never went back for you; else you wouldn’t be tryna track him down on my doorstep.’
I didn’t know what to do with that information. I’d spent so long telling myself that I didn’t care. There was a box with my feelings about him locked up inside me. It meant none of them got out, but it also meant I didn’t know how to put any new ones in it.
‘You don’t have to sound so happy about it,’ Noelle scolded the woman. I didn’t want to know what she was thinking about this revelation. I should have told her before.
‘Misery loves company,’ Lorna retorted and shook her head, still staring at me. ‘Damn but you look like him. Better-looking in fact.’ Her eyes flittered to Noelle. ‘I’d keep an eye on him if I were you. If he’s anything like his father, he’ll be at it like a tomcat every time you’re not looking.’
‘It’s not like that—’ I started but she cut me off.
‘That’s what he always said.’
The words dried up in my mouth.
Noelle’s hand curled around mine, squeezing. ‘Look, fine. We’re obviously an unwelcome reminder of a man you had a bad relationship with, and it’s made you feel bitter, but Stephen’s done nothing to you to deserve your disdain, okay? Can’t you help us out? For solidarity’s sake or something?’
‘Oh, “disdain” is it? Youarea writer ain’t ya.’ Lorna laughed, harsh and short. ‘Honey, you got it bad. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I got troubles enough of my own without worrying about someone else’s bastard. Don’t come here again.’ And with that she shut the door in our faces.
Noelle’s hand was still in mine, somehow an anchor when I felt like pieces of me had scattered and weren’t coming back together again.
‘I’d like to mail dog mess throughthatletterbox,’ she said and then tugged on my hand to make me follow her down the stairs to the street again.
Everything seemed unnaturally busy outside: all the bustle and the heat, blaring horns and chatter, shoes clattering on the hot pavement, the smell of suntan oil and food, the sun, relentless overhead and not a breath of air anywhere… It was getting to me. The citynevergot to me. London could be all this and more. The roads were even tighter, dirty pigeons picking at rubbish from skips and sticky, unmentionable substances over the ground. But it never bothered me.
What had he done to that woman to leave her so angry for so many years? I’d always thought of him as someone who couldn’t commit but she’d confirmed he was a philanderer too. Had he done that to Mum as well? Anger rose like a wave and crashed impotently against the fact I would probably never know.
‘Stephen,’ Noelle’s voice sounded like it was coming at me from the other side of the glass. ‘Are you still with me?’
‘Yes.’ But I’m done, I wanted to say. I want to go home, back to my air-conditioned apartment and have a shower, so I didn’t feel so dirty. Lie on my sofa with a tall glass of iced water, in the quiet. I didn’t want to think about this anymore.
She frowned at me as though she understood all that and more. I didn’t want that either. Her pity and, most likely, the dawning realisation that she was right about me being chronically promiscuous just like my father and utterly right not to want to touch me with a bargepole.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she asked quietly.
‘I’m ashamed,’ I answered, my voice sticky and slow. I don’t know what prompted me to say it. It was more honest than I’d even been with myself.
‘He walked out on you and your mom? Or she had an affair with him? Either way, you’ve got nothing to feel ashamed about.’
‘He left us. I’ve not seen him since I was three.’
‘What a piece of work.’ She stepped closer so that I couldn’t avoid looking at her face as she repeated, ‘You’ve got no reason to feel ashamed. That’s on him, not you.’
‘Isn’t it though? What was it you said about me, Noelle? You’re not sure “guys like me” know how to do anything other than flirt?’
‘Flirting is not siring children and abandoning them to move halfway across the world. You wouldn’t do that, would you?’
‘I don’t know.’ I shrugged. ‘It’s why I don’t get in too deep. I don’t want to hurt anyone.’
Noelle pressed her lips together hard before she spoke again. ‘You know what we need?’
‘Please, God, don’t make me go on a Ferris wheel again.’
She laughed and it sounded half like relief. ‘No, I promise. There’s a great place that sells lemon ice on the way to my parents’. We’ll get some, you’ll give me the full details and then I’ll take you to the barbecue and we’ll ask my dad for a favour.’
‘He’s not in the Mafia, is he? That woman was unpleasant, but I don’t want her offed.’
